Steal My Blog

Reaper Madness

2009-10-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

It's back - with a vengence!

October is finally here - and with it, hopefully, comes the return of my stray marbles. We're back to that time of year when it's not socially upsetting to decorate your house with skeletons and have a cemetery on your lawn. Interesting side bar - a new house was built down the street, adjacent to the old village cemetery. The plot was sold before the house was even finished.

I was curious what sort of people would willingly move into a graveyard - vampires, mad scientists, necropheliacs? I imagined something along the lines of The Munsters. So far, all I know is someone has a really nice motorcycle. It's not a bad spot; there's a Dairy Queen a stone's throw away and it's right off the highway. Apart from the walls bleeding at night, the place has a lot of charm.

So, what sort of shinangans will this season bring? I brought some halloween decorations to work with me now that everyone has a cube. Nothing crazy - just my plastic reaper, a child-eating tree figurine, and a tiny outhouse with a gremlin in it. We can all use the cheer after the craptacular month that just passed. Now that everyone's crammed into their own little boxes, I wonder who can come to work dressed as a vampire without anyone noticing? I'll bet the number's pretty high.

I'm also gearing up for my first dinner party - that's what adults do, isn't it? - on Halloween night. It should be interesting. If I have my way, there's also some ghost tours to be had. The last time I went to Salem, I took one of those "orb" photos. I'm not submitting it for scientific scrutiny or anything but it was still kind of cool. So let's enjoy this fixation with death before it becomes all weird and disturbing!

Going, Going, Gone!

2009-09-28T14:52:00.000-07:00

That refers both to my sanity and this cursed month of September. I won't be sad to either of them go. This is one of few month's I'm glad to see fly by. It's brought a lot of change with it - restructuring at work, some family business, and a brand new school for Brianna. This fall marks a change in what have become my regular duties - hopefully for the better.

This is a long, dark tunnel, but I can see light at the end. I'm now a part of my parish council, a step I chose to take becasue I wanted to make a difference in something that influenced my life. My follow-up on that horrible stomach virus/infection seems to indicate that I'm back to normal and I feel better too. I don't think it's too optimistic to think that problems will magically go away once September is over. After all, they magically started once September rolled around!

We're all living in rough times and some of us are a lot worse off than others. I can take solace in knowing this month is followed by three of my favorite months - in a row! I can look forward to some of the chabges they bring both in my life and the lives of others (ah, but that's another post)!

Excuse my while I vent

*siiiighh*

Montezuma’s Revenge of the September Curse

2009-09-05T17:33:00.000-07:00

(Part 2 of The Sicky Blog)

Once again it’s that damnable month of September. During my various shenanigans I somehow forgot that this month has been forever cursed. It’s true; I’ve written at least two years’ of blogs about this whole month is somehow possessed by Satan. Ever since September 11th, strange and unpleasant chains of events have unraveled in this month – and this year’s series began right on cue this past Tuesday, September 1st. I don’t claim this misfortune as my own; lots of others are experiencing the effects of that evil month of September – and I only want to share these experiences with a sympathetic audience.

I can’t wait for my follow-up with my doctor so he can tell me I’m fine and to stop fussing over everything. See, once you have the sensation that something crawled inside you and died, things never really seem the same. Who knows, maybe – given time – things will go back to normal. Someone said something to me that was right on the money: there are times when you get sick with something and “it feels like you’re never going to get better” – but it’s just a feeling. I think just feeling that sensation of nausea, even if just for a moment, is enough to get me going. It’s no surprise; but I tend to worry a lot about stupid things that I only regret later.

This past summer, I’ve become very acquainted with my toilet. That’s good, I suppose. My bathroom was just redone. After spending at least two weeks surrounded by bottles of pills and perched by the toilet, I was beginning to feel like a rock star! They said I was mad to stockpile so much Pepto-bismol. Well who’s mad now!

It’s been two weeks since I finished my antibiotics and things seem relatively normal. I just want to hear some good news from my physician, even if it’s the only good news I hear this month. I hope everyone out there is doing well. Based on doom-saying emails I’ve received at work, the Swine Flu scare is still going strong – so naturally, anytime I have my little “spells” (which are few and thankfully far between), I have to listen to “It’s not swine flu, is it?” – like it’s the Black Death!

In true “It’s not a tumor!” fashion, I can at least confirm that I don’t yet have swine flu and will hopefully not have to deal with it. I hope the same goes for anyone else. If nothing else, it’s worth “worrying” about that, as we in the United States will turn a corner after this wicked month and start to slump, hacking, toward flu season like General Grievous.

So, to all who read this, I hope you can avoid as many of the slings and arrows of the September Curse as possible and overcome the rest. I have great people in my life (and apparently really great benefits at work) who have seen me through dark times – certainly darker times than this. Knock on wood. Maybe some good will come out of this fussing; I’m trying to watch what I eat – especially after reading this. If you haven’t seen it, it’s definitely worth a look. I recommend sharing such information with the people in your life.

Keep on truckin. May the Force be with you. Peace out.

The Summer of Puke

2009-08-20T16:43:00.000-07:00

Somewhere between my last post and slipping into a coma, it became summer. Lots of things have happened, both good and bad; but there has been one constant: feeling like crap. It began with Glenn returning from Jordan with...guests. No, not concubines - intestinal parasites! He got a bacterial infection that pretty much cleansed his colon.

The entire family - including the extended family - soon came down with something disgusting that we would only later find out was totally unrelated to my brother's ailment. What caused it? We don't know. This was the beginning of June. With all the Swine Flu hysteria that was kicking up at that time, it was not a fun time to be sick.

Know what else isn't a fun time to be sick? Summer vacation. BOTH WEEKENDS of my summer vacation.

Months later, I somehow got a bacterial infection and I've spent my nights the past two weeks thrashing around on my futon like I was possessed by The Devil. My face went numb at karate one night - that should have been a signal. I spent the rest of that night shaking like Kieth Richards.

The next day I finally went to see my doctor and found out what this was all about. No, I'm not pregnant - or a werewolf. Today, I finished my prescribed antibiotics and will hopefully see the end of this intestinal soap opera. There were days when I felt like my organs wanted to crawl out and dance the maccarena like something out of Evil Dead - and horrible, screaming nights.

I've pretty much been sick for (let's be optimistic and say) half the summer. Thankfully, it's not contagious. So, everyone else I meet gets to just look at me and think, "Heh. I guess he's fine", while my bowels wail like the damned. At least, I *think* it isn't contagious. I still traveled, went to work and church, and the old folks' home, and the movies, and karate (for at least one night), and had lunch with friends one day...

Um, let me get back to you.

“Here we go again…again!”

2009-02-27T07:52:00.000-08:00

“Who left the fridge open?”

Every few years we get one of those winters – where, after three or four years of sub-tropical Christmas, we get blitzed with a back-order of snow to make up for the minutes we didn’t have to spend shoveling.

To make things worse, it isn’t just New England that’s having a bad winter. I’ve heard temperatures in the 30's for both California and South Carolina. So, it was only a matter of time before TV news triggered my inevitable brain aneurism when a savvy viewer asked, “How can ‘they’ talk about global warming?” All evidence to the contrary, I stick by my earlier claim:

Weather does not come from magic.

I know it’s hard to crack open a book, and maybe you don’t trust wikipedia. After all, why should we believe the science of other people? We didn’t do the work ourselves. Science is a demon! The earth is flat, weather is made by gnomes (I saw it in a cartoon), and Massachusetts is the center of the universe. When something unnatural happens – like frigging cold in January – how can we support such structured beliefs in logic and reasoning?

It’s not An Inconvenient Truth, it’s just something people don’t feel like thinking about…you know, like the recession we weren’t having until six months ago. These things aren’t official unless the president himself tells us, after all. The Great Oz has spoken!

We had blizzard, after blizzard, after blizzard. Virtually every weekend from Thanksgiving to late January, we had a snow storm. Not flurries, not sleet, but a biblical plague of snow. After a while, there was no place to put it. Out of mercy, we were given a 50 degree weekend that melted most of the December snow. Then, we went straight back to being buried alive.

And the morning commute was murder!

“Say It Again, Sam”

2009-02-27T07:16:00.000-08:00

Until I got myself an iPod, I guess I never really noticed how many artists are impossible to understand. I like Nightwish, but the lead singer sounds like she’s gargling underwater. People think it’s because they’re a foreign band; but there’s plenty of American singers who are totally unintelligible.

I was listening to Mellencamp’s Key West Intermezzo, wondering why “There’s loud Cubone bandits crucifying John Lennon”.

I'll leave this black-and-white so it's less disturbing...

Rob Zombie is all about the music; you have no idea what the hell he’s saying. He acts freaky and macabre; but for all we know, he’s slipped in some lyrics about puppies and teddy bears. Of course, Bono has to swallow the microphone when he sings, so you too may end up with something like this:

“I was unconscious, half-asleep
The Walrus watching discovered how I do”

That sounds serious! Lucky for him that walrus was there, or he might have slipped into a coma. Did it give him mouth-to-mouth? A walrus could easily crush a man, you know. What are they – like 500 pounds?

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are my favorite culprit. Their songs are like word salad. I’ve always had fun with By The Way.

“Dead little girl is singing songs to me beneath the marquee: OVERSOLD”

That’s NOT what he’s saying, right? And what is he chanting at the end of the song? It sounds like “Kenshin and a milkshake”.

“You dare refuse him a crazy straw? He is Batosai the Man-Slayer!”

One of these days, someone’s going to catch me laughing at work and I’ll have to explain about the thing in the cage that mussed up my hair and people will look at me like I’m crazy…I mean, I’ll have to explain all this – so I wrote it down. Who knows, maybe I’ll get a “That’s what I thought!” or maybe even find out those are the lyrics!

My Bologna Has A First Name...

2009-02-25T12:34:00.000-08:00

"Nice speling."

I'm just *slightly* behind schedule here. This year's Oscar special was one of the best in recent times. It was budgeted, but at the same time featured an entire theater made of crystal. The awkward moments were few (like Alan Arkin saying Phillip Seymore Hoffman's name backwards). Of course, there's always that one schmuck who has to say something in their presentation.

This year, it was Bill Maher - who wouldn't let a little thing like being personally invited to one of the Academy Awards' most upbeat ceremonies stop him from plugging his movie that apparently no one wanted to see. I guess they only use that 45 second delay for when Sally Field says something unpatriotic about the war. He also kind of acted like he was doing them a favor for being there - sort of like Steve Martin, but that's part of his material.

I like how they pulled off the whole "back lot" look for most of the presentation: crates and other studio clutter filled the stage, with monitors positioned around for the trademark Oscar montages. It probably cost a lot to rig all that up, but it had the feel of "yeah we're broke; but what the hell, we're doing this anyway"! I think that's the attitude we were looking for.

In that same budget category, I've noticed a lot of recycled commercials from years ago, some of them Superbowl commercials. It was a little like watching those old videotaped holiday specials when I was a kid. For nearly a decade, we could watch the Garfield Christmas special ("HEEEYYY KIIIIIIIDS!) and that weird candy commercial/Halloween special with Rhea Pearlman with all the original commercials.

It feels like there's a whole different atmosphere because of the state of the country. Say whatever you want about Obama, he inspires people. Under Bush, we'd all be quivering jellyfish, somehow blaming al Queada for our economic crisis instead of trying to do something about it. The FCC would've censored the hell out of our award shows. Now, we can see all of Hugh Jackman's surprisingly gay (but not really) musical numbers and wish we were him for so many reasons...mostly because he got to look straight up Beyonce's bedazzled unitard!

Anyway, it was either this, or write a bunch of LOST theories.

What the McFuck!?

2008-11-07T19:41:00.000-08:00

It's been pretty hectic at work; but I finally found release in an iPod (borrowed from Glenn).

For one glorious day I didn't overhear anything awkward or obnoxious at work. An otherwise enjoyable day went strangely askew during my lunch break. I don't always eat lunch, mind you.

I try not to go out unless I have spare change on me. Even then, I usually just get something out of the vending machine. It's just kind of a hassle to get to McDonald's - the only real fast food place near the office - grab my food, and get back in time to eat it before my break is over.

Yes; if I dragged my lazy ass out of bed before 6:30 in the morning, I'd have time to make a lunch and take it with me. I'm not gonna lie - there's no way that's happening. It's just not. Still, who wants to eat at McDonald's everyday?

So, I uncrinkled a dollar bill and grabbed a tiny little pack of donuts from the vending machine. They were powdered cinnamon thank you. That's the classy gentleman's donut. I headed to my car; and once outside, I decided I'd rather go out to eat. So, I went to McDonalds and tried very carefully to pronounce my order to the (I'm guessing Puerto Rican) folks behind the counter after they finally noticed me. I was in such high spirits I even donated a dollar to the Jimmy Fund.

Just when the warm fuzzies started, I reached for my wallet and came up - wait for it - a buck short.

DAMN YOU FRESHLY - AND YOUR DELICIOUS CINNAMON DONUTS!

I *KNOW* I had a five dollar bill on me from something else earlier this week; but all I could do was slip singles to the hostess like she was giving me a personal pole dance - you know, a way of saying "thanks for contributing to the Jimmy Fund". They should consider that - I mean, a lap dance and the possibility of curing cancer in children!? Anyhow, my frickin' cash was gone and I felt like an ass, not to mention the card scanner didn't work.

For some reason, they caved and gave me my chicken selects - and a drink with an online code for that Monopoly game that ended last week. Score! The only way this could have been more awkward was if there was a large, hairy trucker with a rusty hook behind me breathing menacingly.

In short, I don't know where my money went and I may or may not have contributed to curing cancer. For my final comment, I offer the following...

Bon apetit.

"Ah...Memories. We will enjoy them."

2008-11-03T17:40:00.000-08:00

So, what's it been - a year? Six months? This blog is like some abandoned time capsule. I treated it like my Hotmail account - and I dumped that sucker the moment I laid eyes on shiny new Gmail. Recently, I've come back to the ol' blog from my mistress, Facebook.

Looking back, there's some funny stuff here - and a whole lot of crap that I thought was funny two years ago but now find pretty assinine. That's kind of a downer. I matured a lot since my last post here; and I don't even agree with a lot of the thing's I've posted. I'm looking to preserve the very best and possibly return to blogging - hell, everyone else has. What's my excuse, right?

2008 certainly went by fast. It's like "the year that almost wasn't" or something. Before I knew what was going on, it was June. Thankfully, time slowed down enough for me to enjoy summer. That's when I realized I wasn't alone - LOTS of people have noticed how quickly this year went by. Now it's November.

Still, it was eventful. Soon, it will time for a new president to take the helm. I think it's good I slept through my blogging addiction during these tough times. The last thing the internet needs is another ranting website. So, with that in mind, I'll look toward new ways of sharing crazy stories, musings, and pictures you had to be there in order to fully understand.

So, looks like I'd better get busy. I've got, what, ten months of unexplained abscence to make up for!?

Crap.

Death of the Green Goblin

2008-02-13T14:02:00.000-08:00

During my months in the witness protection program, many exciting new developments...er developed. New year, new job, even new posts. Out of many positive changes came my new favorite thing -- the sporty new car known hereafter as "The Batmobile" (all the cars get nicknames). It's the dead of winter and The Green Goblin was getting tempermental. After many years of breakdowns - both mine and the car's - I decided it was finally time. So I hopped in for a final ride and told it we were headed out to the country where it could run around and get some fresh air.

Excuse me...I'm getting teary-eyed.

With all the work that had been done on it over the years, the Goblin was running fine except for it's exhaust system. It rattled and moaned when I started the car. Then, there was always that damned tire. The front driver's side tire was constantly leaking, no matter how many times I had it replaced or sealed. Since I weigh less than a feather I know it can't be from me. One frozen door latch and an empty gas tank later, it was decided the Goblin should be put out of my...er, its misery.

Not surprisingly, the new ride is everything the old car wasn't. It's got power everything and a bunch of cool dashboard gizmos and diagnostics, so it can't surprise me by - say - not starting! All that remained was to reclaim my car freshener, one of the few items I had left in the old ride. In my new car, I popped into the service station to collect the old plates. Then, to be cruel, some wicked muse slapped me with nostalgia. There, looking lonely and senile, was the old Goblin.

I crept inside and started the engine. It sounded like crap. After handling the new car, I could really feel how out of whack everything was in the old model as it rattled into the garage. I hopped out and took a last look. The rain that had collected on it trickled down the side of the car doors; it looked like it was crying.

So, naturally, I stopped looking at it. That car absolutely would not give up its plates to the mechanic. Finally, he wrenched off the last, faded license plate and remarked how they must have been on there for a while. With a shrug, I left the little green heap in the garage - where it awaited "the auction".

So, that's the end of that chapter. This new book is filled with other twists and turns - including an affliction I share with Zoolander: I can't turn left. I mean I can, but I seriously hate it. People drive like lunatics; and I don't want to cut across a stream of lunatics if I can avoid it. Sadly, I can't always avoid it. Ever since I got my awesome car, it seems I've been faced with more and more situations where I have to make left turns.

At least, should anything horrible happen to me in this car, I'm covered with all kinds of crazy benefits. In New England, that's the only way to drive!

The Sky Is On Acid

2008-02-10T16:20:00.000-08:00

This is some crap, right here.

I've seen some Nor'easters in my time; but I feel I have to address what's going on outside right now. I'm having the strangest day!

Ever have a day when the weather seems to do everything? It's a Whitman's Sampler of crap outside. I'm still waiting for the thunder and lightning! Good thing I didn't make any plans for what I thought was another lazy sunday afternoon. Me and my family spent the day trying to run a few errands in my new car while the sky played God's greates thits.

The main reason I got out of bed this morning was because I was so cold I literally couldn't sleep. As I've explained in my refrigerator analogy, my room is the freezer (right over the garage, which constantly radiates cold through my wooden floor). By 11:00 it was in the 40's outside and we were all in spring jackets and sunglasses. Them - BAM! - we leave church and it's raining sideways! The rest of the day was a mix of warm sunshine and teeny little flurries.

Until 4:oo, when I looked out my window and saw total whiteout conditions.

It seriously came out of nowhere. I could see the dim glow of headlights from cars suddenly caught in the blizzard. The wind howled through the house like the wailing undead. It lasted just long enough for me to snag a few pictures. Still, I guess it could be worse - at least it's not raining toads...yet.

Should I be worried? Is this some sign of the apocalypse or something? Or, are these the last mucusy throws of winter - like the final patch of hacking wet coughs before your body flushes out an illness? Oh, I fogot to mention the hail...

I've Been Away

2008-02-04T16:36:00.000-08:00

I don't want to think how long it's been since my last post. I admit it: I was part of that blog writers' strike that was going on. Then I was marooned on an island.

My brother has been posting while I haven't. So, it's time to gather up my latest batch of crazy stories and return to that old addiciton. Like a zombie Maya Angleou, "I RISE"!

Mostly, I've been whoring my time on Facebook and its many evil applications. I'm feeling more connected and energized than ever before - plus I have a real job now. It's in an office and only 15 minutes from home. Not too shabby. There are many other exciting developments; but why blurb about them here when I can milk them for several upcoming posts?

I've had plenty of projects to keep me busy. It's too bad I couldn't whip something up during the writers' strike - that would have been a premium market. At least with nothing on TV to distract me I had time to devote to my other hobbies.

Of course, it's gonna take a while to make new episodes even though the strike is pretty much over. I just hope we can stem the tide of impossibly ridiculous reality shows the networks were cranking out the past few months. Seriously, they're like Japanese gameshows. Anyone catch that Lie Detector thing?

It's That Time of Year...

2007-10-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm not dead - and I intend to prove it to anyone who's still out there on the blog-o-sphere.

This is my season after all! I've noticed a steady decline since early summer in virtually all the blogs I used to visit. Seems this corner of the internet is a bit of a ghost town. Where is everybody?...

Things are just a lot busier these days than they have been in the past. It makes me stop and think about the old days - when I would go with my aunt and two brothers to see the Ringling Bros. circus at the Boston Garden - before it became whatever the hell they call it now. I refuse to call it anything other than the Boston Garden. They can eat me!

Actually, the circus is a lot better now than it was when I was little. Gone are the days of circus oddities like King Tusk - the largest land mammal on Earth, or that cheesey "unicorn" they were hyping (that was really a deformed mountain goat). Now they have motorbike daredevils and Chinese kung fu acrobats! I'll always have a place in my heart for the Ghostbusters clown act (one of the only times I can remember them doing something for Halloween).

After the show, we'd grab a coveted Halloween Happy Meal from the McDonald's buried in the slum beneath the overpass just outside. In addition to the spooky-themed McNugget Buddies, there were also the glow-in-the-dark trick or treat buckets. They came in the shape of pumpkins and usually featured different faces. McD's got a bit funky later on and added a white ghost and a green witch - the latter of which I still have somewhere in the basement. It was the perfect thing to get our young minds into a Halloween atmosphere after the spooky clowns, unneccesary pyrotechnics, and surly and abused tigers.

Now that I'm old enough to create some holiday traditions of my own, our growing family has found new haunts. We've already begun visiting a few; and it inspired me to crawl out of this hole and post some new stories. Meanwhile, me and Glenn are working on our costumes...though we're not quite sure where we're going with them yet.

Greatest Hits

2007-09-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

During this down time, it may be best to review some oldies-but-goodies of the not-so-distant past. My older stuff is much better than some of the newer stuff, where I just write because I feel like or that I have to. Back when I had all kinds of crazy stories to tell it was much better. Who knows, maybe some new people from facebook will want to check out my blog - huh, huh, huuhhhhh...

Check out the BLOG DIRECTORY to the right.

These posts, believe it or not, are actually updated and edited regularyly despite being two years old in some cases. I'm that anal!

Internet Whore

2007-08-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

Now that I have your attention, this isn't about porno.

Sorry.

I haven't posted much lately, mostly because I've been busy actually working - which is a nice change of pace. Nobody seemed to be reading, so it didn't seem like much of a problem. Whenever I felt I had something insightful to share, I'd jot it down on Blogger. Recently, I've been devoting my online time instead to Facebook.com. Yes, like so many others I've fallen prey to the lure of online "social utlities".

What can I say, it works. It lets me communicate with people better than any of the other crap I've tried. So, I kept up with my theme of a summer in pictures...just not here. I do enjoy blogging; but it can become a weird addiction where you just write about random things - perhaps things that should otherwise be secret and not blabbed to total strangers.

So, it's not a break-up, just a separation. I still look forward to reading other peoples' posts. In the meantime, my other online activities center around emailing my resume and scouting the job listings. Nothing new there. With that evil month of September coming up, I want to get all my ducks in a row (or fish in a barrel, or snakes on a plane, or whatever the hell the expression is)!

Until then, maybe I'll see you on facebook...

(this post sponsored by facebook.com)

The Lunatic Is On The Grass

2007-08-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

Oh, and he has a website…

What is it about politics that makes people insane? More so than religion and even worse than sports, politics is a knock-down, drag-out orgy of life and death. A lot of crap has been accumulating in this country over the years, and it’s reaching a boiling point. It’s not the war in Iraq, the employment situation, or Michael Moore’s new movie. If you separate yourself from all the buzz and the crap fluttering around the media and the water cooler, you can see what’s happening behind all this. It’s like the ending of V for Vendetta.

My warnings have fallen on deaf ears in the past, but I’ll put this out there anyway: Crazy people can be dangerous in small numbers. All they have to do is form a lobby. Theodore Roosevelt’s motto was “speak softly and carry a big stick”. The new credo is ‘shout violently and carry a huge wad of cash’. It’s worked surprisingly well.

Politics has reached a level of thuggery not seen since The Revolution. The talking heads in the extreme right and left camps want everyone to believe there are only two schools of thought. Are you with us…or with them? Each side can convincingly make the other look like the Nazi party. This may be one of those times I give people too much credit; but I like to assume most Americans are somewhere in the middle of this sliding scale. You’ve got your right-wing crazies on one end, and your left-wing crazies on the other.

They can’t see how crazy they are, because they’re too busy trying to suck as many people into their camp as possible. Based on the current debates, this chest-beating can work just as much against a particular ideology as for it. To an outside observer, new to modern politics after having studied American history, the choice between parties is simple. Look at the typical slogans for the “liberal Democrats” versus the “true, red-blooded, all-American Republicans”. All come from the same website. One seems to promote reason, while the other is a schoolyard bully with a foul mouth, out to beat the crap out of - then tar and feather - the nerds it doesn’t like.

This is politics now: bullying. As lame a term as it is, it best describes the tactics of the conservative right. Instead of high-minded debates, are we going to start settling issues with yo mama fights? Is this some geezer’s attempt to be ‘hip’ and attract young voters?

I swear humanity has devolved. I can see why some are screaming this is the end of days; but that’s nothing new. The idea that the world is sick and getting worse has been around since Medieval Times. For all their wanton ignorance of our culture, there is one thing the terrorists may have been right about: there’s a holy war brewing that may decide the fate of the world. Sound ludicrous? Certain groups can be seen behind these events; and a number of courageous authors have written on the corruption and insanity of these cut-throat agendas.

"Neocons, form Devastator!"

With the rise of the neocons (with emphasis on the ‘cons’), the right-wing war machine has gained the support of many large corporations. In return for pushing bills these companies want to increase their already absurd wealth, they offer monetary support to officials in this camp – many of whom come together, in true Decepticon fashion, to form a colossal engine of war with the shameless audacity to call itself The Christian Right.

Their ultimate agenda is said to be the end of the world as described in Revelations. They actually want to control the end of the world – like they’ll get a reward or something. That’s 100 times battier than the Muslims who believe virgins await them in Heaven after their “martyrdom”. What the hell are you going to do with virgins – you’re dead! Where are these dead virgins coming from? Were they killed in a horror movie?

Even creepier than what they want, the worst thing about conservatives is the lengths they’ll go to get it. Freedoms our greatest heroes fought and died to establish, and I grew up taking for granted, are being sundered by these vultures. As my younger brother mused, “shouldn’t they start conserving things, by definition?”…

Is it any wonder for these hooting thugs and their radio and internet hitmen that half the country has become disillusioned? Both the left and the right swear by their infallibility and freely toss zingers at each other while America at large watches in disgust. As always, it’s the other people with the problems. It’s like these kooks use our airwaves to rant back and forth at each other. Then, like a distracted third wheel – dreaming of freedom from this awkward situation – We The People are cursed out for not watching CNN.

Here’s something everyone should try if you’re not in congress: If you come across an opinion that’s not yours, DO NOTHING. Who cares! If you see a scary ultra-conservative website that says it’s “All-American” but seems to be a Confederate manifesto, just leave. If some fist-shaking Rastafarian protesting outside city hall starts proselytizing, walk away. Everyone has a right to free speech in this country – unless it calls for the overthrow of the government, as written in the Constitution. If and when it comes to that, let the law handle it…and walk away.

Ba Weep Granna Weep Mini-golf

2007-07-21T06:25:00.000-07:00

There's one business that thrives on Cape Cod - miniature golf! I hadn't thought about it before, but I guess it's our family thing. My dad hates it, which just makes it more enjoyable. That's not to say we're any good. We don't compete in weird min-golf tournaments. Basically, we get by on pure luck. I assume that's how most people play.

The cape is filled with mini-golf courses for whatever tickles your fancy. There are special courses for the hard-core golfer (what else have you got to do there?) and fairly lackluster truckstop courses for those who just need something to keep the kids distracted.

Ah, but then there are the theme park quality 'novelty' courses. Why settle for a fiberglass windmill when you can experience the adventure of golfing aboard a pirate ship? One drive by and we knew exactly where we were going.

"Oh! Wasn't counting on the fog horn!"

First on our agenda was Pirates' Cove. If there's one thing Cape Cod does well, it's pretending they're the caribbean. Still, this course had a lot of interesting holes - most of which were lucky shots. My mom managed a hole-in-one, while I was forced to dig my golf ball out from under a ledge using a pool-cue shot - which landed me a hole-in-two. Not bad, considering how our games usually go!

"Yar! Step on me pansies and I'll blow ye straight to hell!"

In addition to the pirate-themed obstacles, a series of signposts informed players about the most famous real-life pirates. Within the obligatory waterfall cave, some special effects created eerie scenes of skeleton pirates or imprisoned sailors. They were oddly entombed with their gold, which I guess made the sentence a little less bleak; but they kept talking about digging up their treasure. Did they bury inside a prison cell? That seems like it would be a bad idea...

If soggy, half-rotted soft sculpture pirates aren't your thing, how about braving the perils of Skull Island? Despite the name, this was a really nice course. The ghouls must have a green thumb. I've never seen a miniature golf course this gorgeous. Most of the pictures I took from this trip were of this golf course. Seriously, it's that nice.

Overall, it was great trip. I was expecting to be bored, as you might imagine if mini-golf is posted as the highlight of our vacation. We avoided a record-breaking heat wave in the Boston area that week and went on a whale watch for Glenn's birthday (and saw 9 whales!). So, everything was beyond my expectations. I guess I won't complain about going to the cape anymore.

"Feed Them to the Sharkticons!"

2007-07-07T06:50:00.000-07:00

Like everyone else who grew up in the 80’s, I’ve seen the new live-action Transformers movie by now. It only came out a few days ago, but I’m sure mostly everyone who’s going to see it has. Whether you know anything about Transformers or not, this movie will hurt. It’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but it’s not good. Half the internet is consumed by partisan rambling; so my own review isn’t that special. If you’re like me, you don’t read any of those; and the best way to judge this movie is to see it for yourself.

That being said, there are spoilers coming up. So, if you know you want to see this movie; read this later.

This movie is proudly middle-of-the-road. The effects are amazing (when you can see them) and the human characters are well-done. I’m not one of the elite cyber geeks who deny the original animated movie ever existed. I’m not here to wail about flames on Optimus Prime or how Sound Wave isn’t in the movie. I’m actually amused that Michael Bay has willfully screwed with those people. Maybe this will take some of the heat off the creators of Beast Wars and Beast Machines – who I was surprised to learn had received actual death threats!

Despite hope that a summer blockbuster would turn a new generation on to Transformers, the audience for this movie is clear. Still, after all the nerd backlash and pandering to obsessed fans, this is the movie they made? It’s really weird how much swearing there is. Everyone made a big stink about Spike cursing in the first movie. Jazz’s first line in this film is “How’s it going, little bitches”?

No, seriously.

This whole movie felt like a rehash of Small Soldiers. It even had that ‘thing that brings machines to life’. I’m not sure why it turned everything into a Decepticon. If you transformed into a Mountain Dew vending machine, you’d be pissed too. I guess it’s great for product placement though. Cell phones, soda machines, brand name cars – they all appear to help transform this movie into some cash.

People should know this won't be the same as they remember. It’s depressing to think how many people from the original TF movie are dead now – or are on their way to “join with the matrix”. Hugo Weaving is an awesome Megatron. He doesn’t really appear until the final act, but he reminds you why you came to this movie. As for his promised bickering with Star Scream, it’s only one line – the one line Star Scream has in this entire movie. They don’t even give him the dignity of a whiny “Megatron is dead! Now I am in command”!

The Decepticons really aren't in the movie that much. The whole giant robot thing seems to be a convenient veneer to hide the filmakers' politcal commentary - which is fine by me. There's a fake Bush - and is it just me, or does John Voigt look a little like Rumsfeld? To identify them as the bad guys, the Decepticons are given no personalities and very little dialogue. Apparently, they're not all that menacing to the Autobots; but until Optimus Prime kills them, the Decepticons are slaughtering humans left and right. The way they finally defeat Megatron is just stupid. Prime goes on the entire movie about how he's willing to sacrifice himself to destroy the All-Spark -- then they just ram it into Megs and watch him explode.

Real original, jerk hole! All that fuss for nothing...

Overall, I give this movie a C. It really didn't need to be made, and it feels like it was overhyped. Half the things you hear regarding the characters is just idle chit-chat from the filmmakers. It really is a human-centric movie. I don't care about changing characters around, since I already knew they were doing that. I went into this movie with a positive attitude and an open mind. It was still bad, but not as horrible as a lot of dateless forum fascists dreaded it would be.

Return to Beijing

2007-06-28T05:57:00.000-07:00

( some scenes of "China's China Town")

My family took our vacation this year; and while not as exotic as last year's (as you could imagine), I was still reminded of my study tour to China one year hence. In keeping with my idea of "a summer in pictures", here are some more excerpts from my stay in Beijing. You can revisit the original post here, recently re-edited for your enjoyment. There's more to discuss than I can ever try in one sitting; and I don't want Blogger to be sucked into a black hole or something. Well, I guess that depends on the day of the week!

Peking Duck is served only in "official" restaurants in China. As I noticed, they are marked by a large, fiber glass duck character. Beijing's licensed eatery looked important from the outside, decked out in a rainforest's worth of paper lanterns; but the inside was truly spectacular. The lobby featured live music and an enormous fountain/wall. As for the Peking Duck itself, it's actually like making fancy little burritos. Specially prepared duck meat is sliced into thin strips and wrapped with a small green onion in a pocket of flat bread, then dipped into a soy-like sauce.

I must have had six. It's good. On a cultural note, Beijing offers many oddities to delight the senses.

The World's Biggest Drum and The Longest Pee In History

The ancient drum tower still stands in Beijing's center. From the top, you can look down into the rustic Hutong neighborhoods - the old city. Tours of this labyrinth are based at the drum tower, sending swarms of "pedicabs" into the secret world of the lower class. The tower itself is quite an attraction, with hourly drum shows that haven't skipped a beat for several hundred years. Among the giant drums they beat inside is a retired colossus hailed as "the largest drum in the world".

Prominently displayed inside is the secret to the drummer's punctuality. Is that a word? Clever in it's simplicity is an ancient water clock that kept time for as long as the station's drummers. Every hour, enough water overflows into the channel containing the little bronze figure to make him crash his symbols together. If you can watch it without being hypnotized or wetting your pants, you'll know it's time for the next big show. Of course, having the ancient bell tower across the street makes the whole thing a little superfluous...

Weird Architecture

Asia is home to some strange (and cool) buildings. The image below shows the typical style in Beijing. The office buildings all looked like secret headquarters for The Shredder. Those that break the mold use daring designs and outlandish shapes to capture your attention. In an area with so much business, individuality and recognition are important. Pushing the envelope is probably necessary to come out ahead in the Asian business world. Let's face it, they know how to make buildings that look like something other than giant penises.

Seen around Beijing...

(click to enlarge)

The Temple of Heaven is one of the most famous - and photgenic - sites in all of China. It was, of course, closed for cleaning when we arrived. Worse, I nearly got heat stroke while wandering the courtyard. That was unpleasant. Fortunately, it's a temple complex; and there were plenty of air-conditioned sacred-temples-turned-shoddy-museums to retreat to. The overheating would last until I finally collapsed on the train to Xi'an...

Beijing train station

(note the funky clock tower)

Private Solstice

2007-06-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

Flying over China

It's my special day: the first day of Summer. It has nothing to do with vacations or pool parties. The longest day of the year has always been somehow special for me; I don't really know why. It has something to do with the light. At some pint, I developed this fascination with light and shadow; and my favorite time is the twilight in between. I just came back in from sitting outside, watching ominous purple clouds float over my street as the sun was setting. My fear of thunderstorms is just part of my long-time fascination with the sky.

On December 21st, I try to soak up all the daylight I can before the sun vanishes like a cruel mistress. Then, I spend the remaining months watching its painfully slow return - when I have time to notice. Most people spend their life caged up indoors. Right now, you're inside reading this. You may not even be near a window. That's how I worked for five years - and I think it's affected my disposition.

Myself, I hope my destiny lies somewhere in the sky. It sounds so lame when people describe flying as "magical"; but having flown around the world, I think I understand. The North Pole is all but impassible by ship, and the Gobi Desert is one of the most treacherous and inhospitable landscapes on Earth. I saw both from the window of a plane. They were just there.

Sometimes, I go out and watch the sky just for the sheer hell of it. I've been doing things like that a lot lately. People probably think I'm weird. Whatever; some wouldn't look up at the sky if there were a safe about to drop on them. I can sit and look up at the sky. It's not something I take for granted.

I'm Irish, so I don't tan; and I seem to overheat really easily. Still, Summer is my favorite time of year. I want to make the most of it - with or without a job (preferably with). That's why I'm posting this at such a strange hour. I've seen those Google satelite images and looked up places I've been - like Beijing or Hamilton, Bermuda. I've watched the sun rise and set in two hemispheres and chased it from an airplane. I'm not Wiccan or anything, but tomorrow's sort of a hallmark - it almost feels like a holiday.

It's non-denominational. Anyone in this hemisphere can enjoy it! As the days shorten, I'll have other things to think about. Meanwhile, I won't feel bad about catching a few rays. If anyone says I've got my head in the clouds, they're invited to pull theirs out of their ass.

"Picture Picture Freakin' Doo"

2007-06-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

"I fell on my nuts..."

Summer's finally here! To celebrate, here's some outdoorsy pictures - the first of the season.

I could write about whatever random stuff I've been doing so far in June; but basically I've just been taking pictures. I was out trying to capture a few moments before the flowers passed and those damned worms started eating our trees. It's been a while since I updated those moldy old jpegs that've been floating around my computer; so, out with the old and in with the new...

When the weather gets nice, it's time to plant. Of course, "nice" here means the first scorching hot day with absoultely no rain. Normally, we'd busy ourselves with opening the grandmother's pool, but it was apparently torn down when we decided to rent out her house. I came home one day (during my two-week work stint, I'll get to that story later!) and the whole thing was gone! The deck, the above-ground pool, and the ghastly netherworld of crap that was underneath the deck - all gone! To make up for it, this week has been cold and rainy. At least I don't have to water the plants!

Can you find Waldo?

Once the warm weather hits, the yard comes alive with all manner of things - from the lazy squirrel above to the mutated spider/starfish that lived in the nightmare quadrant beneath the pool. As in Beijing, the most common visitors are gigantic dragon flies like the one seen here. It's all weird and shiny, like it's made of glass. Lately, stranger and stranger varieties of animals and plants have been popping up in our yard. Some relatives say it's from loss of nearby habitats, pushing large numbers of coyotes and deer into residential neighborhoods; though there is that bizarre "magic birdseed" we got that one time...

Raarrgh!

Many years ago, my family went to a bargain store and got a random, cheap bag of birdseed - so we thought! Not soon after we put it out, we started attracting birds I'd never seen before. The first giant turkey I ever saw (though not the last, they live in many areas around here) was one of the first to be lured by this exotic bird food. Then came a whole family of ducks, waddling through our yard. Not to be outdone, some blue birds showed up. Until then, I'd only seen bluebirds in cartoons. I just thought the animators didn't know how to make robins or something. It was pretty wild.

So, I've become a bit of a shutterbug. There's always something going on outside. It's usually more than what's happening inside - hence my neglected blog. I'll share more interesting photos and stories when I find a better way to share them than just going through Blogger. Until then, this is just a brief introduction. Keep watching this space.

Later days.

Shove It!

2007-05-29T23:22:00.000-07:00

Jobs don’t make sense – at least, not the high-paying ones everyone dreams about. Currently, I’m on the market. While I’m not going to pretend I don’t need a job, I’m not interested in the corner office of some skyscraper. I don’t need to drive a Lexus back to my four-story house. If I’m lucky enough to earn some mad billz, the first thing on my agenda is to pay off some crazy bills.

So far, the job search is even crappier than I thought it would be - and then some. I was told, ad nauseum, that I need to get out and interview with everyone before the college kids get out. Less than a year ago, I was one of those college kids. Apparently no one wants me. I thought I had skills – clearly not the ones they’re looking for. Recruiters say they want to meet with me, I do, things go well, and I never hear from them again. No explanation; not even after a document I signed telling me employers would notify me of exactly why I wasn't picked for a particular temp job, as a "learning tool".

I just didn’t really know what I was getting into, I guess. What exactly do I mean? For an example, have a look at a local article about mothers in the work place. I don’t know if it affects anyone who reads this, but it’s no less disturbing. In the study, “you hear about women overtly denied promotions for having a child, told to have an abortion to keep a job, or rejected for a new job because ‘it was incompatible with being a mother’”.

This is the kind of corporate crap that goes on? Count me way the hell out.

I'm Going Slightly Mad...

2007-05-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

Is there male PMS? If so, I think I have it.

Who Is Agent 1?

2007-05-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

"I'm looking for Pussy Galore."

Even with the promised boom in jobs, the market is pretty fickle. Currently, I’ve found a little niche as a free agent. I get to introduce myself as an “agent” and get calls from the HQ about my “assignment”. Still, the promise of cash isn’t always frequent. So, the hunt continues. This reminds me of another hunt – one that took place about a year ago: the hunt for Agent 1.

I was just finishing school, and not a moment too soon. During my last year on campus, there were some disturbing incidents which led to heightened security. As I was making my way home, I glimpsed a sporty black car weaving its way through the traffic. They certainly seemed to be in a hurry. As the car passed, I saw the license plate: AGENT 1.

An agent? Clearly not a secret agent. I mean, you don’t get a vanity plate that says “AGENT” if you’re supposed to be deep-cover-ghost-secret. Maybe he was FBI. Had something happened at the school?

I had nothing better to do and intrigue got the better of me. We were headed the same way, so I decided to follow Agent 1. Ah, but what if – being an agent – he spotted my tail? Would he simply try to shake me; or would he think I was part of some SMERSH operation, there to sabotage his efforts in locating stolen microfilm? It’s feasible…we have microfilm at the campus library. We even have microfiche!

Of course, he didn’t pay me any mind. We were stuck together on a major highway, with no exits for miles. There were tons of cars on the road. Who would notice a small but intrepid VW? Not even the elusive Agent 1…so it seemed.

I followed cautiously, perhaps too cautiously. I tried to keep a respectable distance; but I think that’s what gave me away. Soon, he started to turn. I saw Agent 1 pull his car into a parking lot. It came to a stop right in front of the real estate agency.

That was anticlimactic.

Maybe Agent 1 was investigating the realtors. It could be a front for some evil terrorist faction. Maybe they cater exclusively to evil clientele. I mean, haven’t you ever wondered where mad scientists get these island fortresses? What, did they win a contest or something? Perhaps he was infiltrating the agency to take them down from within.

Sadly, I think the secret of Agent 1 is he is really a middle-aged house wife who dresses like a sexual predator to boost sales. Or maybe he’s a yuppie or just a temp with a loaner car clearly marked so anyone would be able to tell where the car came from. Maybe it was Agent 4, whose car is in the shop and needed a ride down to the Dairy Queen. The world will never know. I still wonder about the license plate that said “RAPIST”…

Suck My Ash

2007-05-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

Today is the final act in the three-ring circus my family's been living in since the furnace back-up. All the carpets and upholstery are being cleaned and every last trace of soot and ash sucked into the hoary netherworld. I'm taking some time to update, since I'm not sure when I'll be able to again. In light of recent events, I may not update for a while. This comes appropriately in May. Lately, all I've been saying is "I may do this, I may do that"...

Once again, I've enabled comments for the few who use them - you know, just to let me know how you're doing. If it is demonstrated people can use them responsibly, I'd love to leave them up. Casual visitors may not be aware, but I really enjoy some of the witty banter that takes place there. Most of the regulars, however few there may be now, are very funny and I often visit their blogs. Ironically, I myself do not always leave comments.

No matter the weather or time of day, I enjoy blogging. It's not about griping or sharing fart jokes - though certainly, we're all free to do that. Whether you're outgoing or socially awkward, you can find your own place in online communties and share all kinds of stories. Once you start, it's strangely addicting; as is reading many of the blogs out there. So, that's why I'm here; and I'm glad to have a dialogue in any form with some of the funny, insightful, and imaginative people out there in cyberspace.

To anyone who has a problem with that: Suck my ash!

Go To Hell, April

2007-05-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

And take your stupid yellow jumpsuit with you.

May is finally here – after the worst April in recent history, especially compared to the rosy turnout of last April. This month kept all its darkest surprises for the latter half of the month: the Virginia Tech shootings, police chases, and a rash of disturbing blogger injuries. The last few days – even hours – of April have been drama left and right. I’m only slightly relieved to find I’m not the only one who notices this. It seems this past month will not be missed by anybody.

For the final entry, I threw in a post about the old library. You can read it, or not. Here’s to May and a jump-start on summer. Everyone knows May is party month. I hope to see more people shedding some of the gloom that’s been going around as we near Cinco de Mayo.

A Pirate's Life For Me

2007-04-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

Recent events at home have made me want to jump ship; but at least the gorgeous weather has helped breathe new life into my lackluster job search. I've been getting enough money to help keep me afloat, but I was hoping to have something resembling a steady job by now. As I may have mentioned, I quit my part-time job at the store back in January. It was good experience - but apparently not enough to inspire companies to hire me. It was only recently that someone suggested substitute teaching.

It sounds easy, but I'm not too old to remember what it was like when I had subs. On top of that, it would be kind of weird. I still feel like I just left high school; and I have oh so many unpleasant memories of junior high. Though, if you prefer a job that isn't terribly demanding and allows you to travel as you please, I suppose you could do worse. It's at least as thankless as temping. Still, I'm not sure it's for me. Ever since it was mentioned, I've had strange dreams about being in junior high again (shudder).

I had the same feeling when I went with John and Brianna to the local library - the same one we had both gone to an unsettling number of years ago. It was really strange seeing how little the place had changed. The childrens' library now had manga and DVDs on loan; and instead of Ranger Rick or those Scholastic Books magazines from first grade, the rack was full of those teeny-bopper magazines put out by Disney and Nickelodeon. There was also a disturbing life-sized replica of Dobby from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Good ol' fashioned nightmare fuel!

The biggest change was the demolition of the awesome playground outside. Where a wooden pirate ship once stood was now only a plastic slide and some swing sets. It wasn't even on the scale of a McDonald's play place! Where's the pirate ship? Kids from all over town used to fill that place, all coming to use their imaginations. How much imagination do you need on a swing set?

"I'm pretending I'm on a pirate ship!"

Maybe I was just really little, but I remember the ship being a fair size. The playground was made up of a bunch of different swings, slides, jungle gyms, rope brdidges, and pretty much anything else you could imagine. It even had one of those uncomfortable metal wheels you sat on while your friends spun it around with those giant handles. Everyone's favorite was the ship though. The playground was called "Kids' Landing". It was always pictured whenever there was an article about the library; it was like the library mascot or something. Then, one day - nothing!

I confess, the last time I seriously used the library was about a year ago - for my report on magical realism. It had been years since I set foot in the place. When I was there this weekend, I wandered around the kiddie section like an amnesia patient. Every other sentence was "Hey, remember this?" - there's a weird feeling you have when you remember something you forgot you had forgotten. I guess that's the idea behind Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader.

I'd love to have a picture up, but sadly I don't think I have any. For all I know, the ship was infested with termites or one of the rides somehow tore the scalp off a child or something. Freaky plastic Dobby just isn't the same. I seem to remember hearing something about gangs hanging out and vandalizing the park at night. Maybe the pirate ship attracted the wrong element. All I know is, I need some decent work soon, or I might resort to piracy.

Soot-In-Mouth Disease

2007-04-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

Party like it's yo Earf Day

There's nothing like a polluted house to help you appreciate the environment. I'm enjoying this weekend in the sun after a furnace backfire left my family with the Curse of the Black Pearl.

'Drink would not satisy. Food turned to ash in our mouths...'

I've said it before and I'll say it again: April sucks. This month has been forever damned. Maybe it's some Native American curse or something. Along with Spetember, that leaves ten curse-free months to enjoy; and three of those are in winter! It's not just the endless rain or the return of abnormally large spiders to my backyard. Everything always goes bug-eyed in April.

Procrastination must run in the family, because no one had their taxes done until the last minute (that's Sunday afternoon, folks)! Thank you, telefile! Some things, however, just pop up unexpectedly and are beyond your control. About a week ago, the weather suddenly made a U-turn back to winter. It was then that we realized our heat wasn't working. After two days, my mom tried to trip the thing; it was kind of like a lawn mower that wouldn't start. That's when the real fun began...

After flooding the machine, the house filled with bluish-grey smog and the house smelled like a gas station outhouse. We tried to air the place out, careful not to open too many windows because it was thirty-something outside, and called the repair man. He told us there was a faulty part and he would replace it tomorrow, when he got his truck out of the shop. Two days later, the house really started to smell bad - like we had a gas leak or something. The windows were still cracked and we were waiting patiently for the fumes to go away - as furnace guy said they would before vanishing into the night.

I could barely breathe Wednessday night; and everyone was sneezing up black stuff. Sexy. I rolled around in my covers, trying to bury my face from the cloying fumes while popping back up for air every so often - like a seal. It didn't work. I think I got maybe twenty minutes of sleep that night - which in hindsight is a good thing. The next morning, we were roused by a cheery sound:

The carbon monoxide detector went off around 7:30. My parents didn't know what it was, since it had never gone off before. It had a musical rythm to it that told us "Wake up, or you're gonna die"!

Insurance people were coming and going all day, along with the duct cleaners and the furnace repairman. Now, apparently every inch of the house has to be cleaned. So, that's what the past week has been like. The dog was steadily turning black; so she had to be cleaned as well. Everything's taken care of now - even the taxes.

As Earth Day messages started popping up on the TV, I was reminded how some of the places I've traveled to smell like that all the time. Our poison-gas-filled house was exactly the same as Beijing, or even parts of Boston. I guess air is one of those things you really don't appreciate until it's gone. Who'd have thought!

The Unbearable Madness of Being

2007-04-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

'What part of the brain holds the arrogant prick gene?'

I’ve read some disquieting things online. They didn’t phase me; but I’m concerned that others are troubled by certain issues making international headlines. I know it’s bad form to discuss religion or politics; but since everyone’s screaming my ear off, I don’t see the point of keeping quiet. I can count the number of regular readers on one hand, so I could pretty much write anything. Elephant fart.

Today, perhaps more than ever, the battle between science and religion has become more heated – and man, is it getting ugly! Each side is being bombarded with nasty opposition. With the stranglehold the religious right is trying to exert on this country, it’s clear we’re headed into a showdown. So, what of us poor schlubs caught in the middle? This blog offers what no one else in TV, radio, or cyberspace will: rational conversation.

Some people have to ruin it for everybody. I’ve already gone off on these loons. Frankly, I don’t think they’re worth the dignity of another post!

Since before Moses handed on the Ten Commandments, people have been skeptical of religion. Christianity in particular has been under fire from pagan empires and “hip” modern atheists alike. It’s true that while we’re “one nation under God”, the trendy thing these days is to be (or at least act) agnostic. Individuality and personal growth are positive forces, but many people turn away from a religion they view as defunct because of some personal tragedy. Issues ranging from the centuries-old Protestant Reformation to recent abuse in the Catholic Church have caused people to reject their faith – and the concept of religion – altogether. If only it ended there...

As a friend of mine pointed out, atheism itself is a religion. It also turns out that every one of its followers is a fanatic! Like a crazed super-villain, those who turn away seem to desire some form of revenge. They will not rest until religion has been shot down – no matter what the consequences. I often wonder what they think will happen. Do they think the religious community will get down on their hands and knees and thank them?

“Oh, thank you! Thank you for finally proving my life is meaningless! Thank you for showing me all the loved ones I’ve ever cared about aren’t waiting for me somewhere, but are dead and rotting in the earth! Thank you for proving that we are alone in the face of a vast nothingness and subject to the worst disasters nature has to offer us! Now I will live every day of my life as a new person!”

Right.

In the wave of mass suicides and crime, I guess being right is a small consolation. Of course, I’m being hypothetical. No one has ever conclusively disproved the existence of the afterlife or a supreme being; though every generation has that one schmuck with the cure-all. Sure, people have debated religion for two thousand years; but you’ve got all the answers! You’re the one guy in history who’s figured everything out! Wow. Sit the fuck down.

See, beliefs aren’t really as simple as that. A belief must be yours, or else it means nothing. Though, current neuro-science has launched a study to equate religious people with retards. In a baffling paradox, researchers claim to have found evidence that there is in fact no such thing as the mind. The brain is simply nerve tissue that responds to stimuli – some of it encoded into our very being. They cite that worship of a god is part of our DNA, boiling down the complex practices of spirituality and religion to the same non-existence as the intricate nuances of human consciousness. They don’t seem to account for atheism. If these are biological imperatives, apparently you can just drown them out – you know, like eating or sleeping.

Atheists suffer from religious bulimia?

I don’t see the value or purpose behind this research. In truth, it seems rather suspect. Never mind that they have yet to produce 100% irrefutable evidence; by their own ass-covering research, scientists claim that “disgust” in this theory is also hard-wired into us and many will simply reject these findings as a sort of survival mechanism (scientific heresy!). According to the latest findings, there is no such thing as free will – so I guess we can’t actually choose to ignore anything.

I re-assert my claim that there are no scientists anymore. Few real discoveries are being made these days; and those that are get put on a back burner because they don’t make money. Protecting and cataloging endangered species isn’t as lucrative as pharmaceuticals. Neither is curing cancer, for that matter! DARPA knows where the real money is: weapons and mind control. Hey, what better way to control people than to tell them there’s no God and they have no will of their own? It worked so well for the Communists.

Science and religion both help us make sense of the world. Why are people trying to convince us to accept one over the other? They’re two halves of the same whole. Somewhere along the course of history, the rift became so great that people on opposite ends can no longer perceive the other. There are those who reject science, and insist dinosaurs were weirdly-shaped cow skeletons buried by the Jews…all over the world...even in active volcanoes. There are those who view powerful spiritualists like Pope John Paul II, Gandhi, and the Dalai Lama as having a mental disease. I believe (unfulfilling as it may be to some) that you won’t really know for certain until you die – at which point, it no longer matters.

So, if there is no free will, should we still strive for democracy? What of creativity? How do people come to stray from the mold and grow up totally different from their parents and with different skills? What's the point of science and learning if there is no mind to expand? How do you account for madness? How much money are these researchers being paid only to then tell us there is no such thing as the mind?

Holy Thursday, Batman!

2007-04-02T14:45:00.000-07:00

Have I used that one already? Oh well...

We've entered Holy Week, the end of lent and the beginning of Easter. That means my smiling vigil is coming to an end. Where things go from here is up to me. As a whole, this has been a positive experience, and new opportunities are lurking just around the corner. So, while I'm obligated to be mopey for Thursday and Friday, I look back on my success with a genuine smile. I actually smile all the time; I don't know why people say I should do it more. I mean, too much and you look disturbing.

"I think I used too much Enzyte!"

Yes, things have turned out pretty well. The old job hunt has suddenly sprung to life, just like everything else. I guess there's something to all this positivity stuff. I look forward to a little more substance and a little less filler material on this blog - even though we've entered that evil month of April. That reminds me, anyone pull any over-the-top pranks on april Fool's Day? Dish!

Maybe those days have all gone by. I know I was way too busy yesterday to engage in any hijinks. I'm sure somewhere people still shoot spring snakes at you and lace your food with laxitives. I suppose I should count myself lucky that the worst I got yesterday was a close encounter with a disturbing Easter Bunny at K Mart. I thought I was in Donny Darko for a second.

In other news, it seems my dad was unable to secure a donkey for the Palm Sunday procession. Apparently, some people wanted the priest to ride the donkey into church or something. Where do you ret a donkey from? Were they planning to steal it from Juan Valdez during siesta? It's probably best that we didn't have one. I hear they bite.

So, that just leaves us with a final mystery: how did the face of Jesus mysteriously appear on this piece of cellophane?

Have a happy Easter - just watch out for those giant rabbits. They're like ninjas the way they sneak up on you!

The Madness to My Method

2007-03-30T06:04:00.000-07:00

I thought I should update just to keep up appearances. Maybe I’m too hard on myself. What do you think?

Two meatless Fridays to go, and I’ve almost made it through my pledge. Yesterday, things came dangerously close to crashing down – all because of a dream I had the night before. Some dreams make absolutely no sense; and then there are dreams that seem more like visions of the future – or maybe a projection of fear. I had one of those, and it nearly ruined what should have been a terrific day. All day, I tried to shake it off, knowing it wasn’t real.

I guess it’s best just to come out and say it: I have trust issues. Things have happened to me that make it very difficult to open up to certain people. I usually expect something in return. It used to be shyness; but in the past few years, it turned into distrust. As much as I want to, I can’t completely trust anybody’s motives or feelings (including mine). Now, this isn’t complete paranoia and I’m aware it’s mostly in my head. Still, there are reasons behind this issue – betrayal, lies, exclusion, and actual resentment.

In the middle of my grueling job hunt, I thought I’d head to my friends’ place to see if they had any connections. There wasn’t much luck in that department, but I managed to have some fun for a few hours before the reality demon came in the night and abducted me. Yes, that was a figure of speech. Some weird, lingering, tiny doubt about something or other was the last thing to pass through my mind before I finally fell asleep. I don’t know where it came from. Then, I had one of those crazy dreams you’re like to find in a Disney movie – “Hephalumps and woozels…hephalumps and woozles”...

I don’t tend to make many enemies; but the ones I did have <shudder>! I will never understand people who hate me with a burning vengeance for absolutely no reason. Seeing how I can royally kick the crap out of them now, I suppose it doesn’t matter. They helped me appreciate the people I do have in my life. Yesterday was a good day, spent mostly with people I like. While I was briefly a third wheel, I actually found myself pining for a girl for the first time in my life.

I think that was the lowest pointof this entire season. People have tried to correct my outlook on life; but honestly, the only thing that seems to make any difference is religion. That’s sort of the reason behind my pledge for lent. See, this is actually an important accomplishment for me. Without any kind of weird pills or an awkward intervention – or, God forbid, some kind of gothic/emo poetry – I want to overcome this problem myself. It is, as I’m fully aware, based on false assumptions and fear. With that ridiculous episode the other night, I have a new resolve to see this resolution through for the last of these forty days – a good starting point.

For those who have no idea what I'm talkling about, please see earlier posts for this month.

Enter: The Leprechaun

2007-03-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

Even if you're only a third Irish, have a Happy St. Patrick's Day! You can still go out and get drunk. Here's to many more fond memories. For those of you who aren't snowed into your homes, have a great weekend -- and I hate you.

Beware the Ides of March

2007-03-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

The first 70 degree day of the year came for us on tuesday. Today, it's snowing sideways. I think Al Gore may have been on to something...

I'm half-way through my promise of being positive for 40 days. If I hadn't mentioned before, it comes from the notion that most of the crap that really bugs me is either imagined or can be easily fixed. Still, it's been kind of a tough road. I've had varied success - between friend stuff, my new job not really working out, and bloggers' limbo. I got one comment last time, which is good enough for me. I'm full of stories; but if no one's around to read them, it sort of defeats the purpose of blogging, y'know.

I really enjoy sharing my crazy-ass stories with people, even if it's just as an icebreaker. Like Cosby, I believe everyone has humor. If more people focused on that instead of negative things, we wouldn't have some of the stupid problems that make the evening news...or the video section of eBaum's world. You have to aim for that positive side. Saying you won't let things bug you isn't enough.

Why bring any of this up? I think the only way to encourage this is to explain that it isn't easy. Once I made up my mind to be more positive, all these evil road blocks started to emerge, maybe as a "test". Things that once brought me joy now feel stale - which can include posting . I'm very aware that not all my posts are knee-slappers; and when I try to be inspirational, most people interpret that as depression. So, I may be treading on dangerous ground with this. I get this impression from people that they think I just say things as a passign fancy and never really live up to my word. When I say I want something, I work for it.

This is to demosntrate that I mean to work towards my goal; I'm not just saying it. If I can inspire (or, God forbid, warn others) by my example, then that's great.

An ODD Pet

2007-03-06T22:50:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've had to come to grips with the fact that Hiedi has ODD - Obsessive Dog Disorder.

The more time I've spent with her during the day, the more I realize she's developed some peculiar habits. When I take her for a drive, she runs in a huge circle around my car before finally hopping in. Even on wet days, she runs a full circuit through the muck. Then, she feels compelled to crawl across the passenger's seat and stand up in the driver's side window, waiting for me. It takes three seconds for me to get to my seat; what in hell is she waiting for? I don't know about you, but I don't like driving in wet pants.

That's less annoying than her need to jump up at the door whenever the mail comes. I really think she scares our eight-year-old paperboy on purpose. The strangest of the strange has to be her reaction to my mother's voice on the answering machine. It's gotten to the point where the message doesn't even need to play anymore. After the first ring, she begins to howl and whine.

She also recently decided she doesn't eat dog food. She'll eat apples and grapes - which is totally weird - and even used tissues before she touches her bowl. From Christmas to this current moment, her diet consists of Snausages and dog biscuits. What was once used as a treat, to train her out of bad behavior, is now her staple diet. I've already lost a beloved canine to obesity. It's not something I want to repeat if I can help it.

Rules are going to have to change around here, my weird, hopping, fruit-eating dog. She certainly shouldn't get cookies for no reason - even though the crossing guard and the guy at the gas station give her some for virtue of being a dog. I figure at least fruit is healthier than scrounging the garbage for nose goblins.

That reminds me - I didn't mention the one strange habit she shares with perhaps all dogs. She spends most of her day barking at invisible specters, while we continue to go about our business.

How To Beat Cabin Fever

2007-03-02T12:30:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like March is coming in like a lion. I’m stuck in yet another storm, so it looks like prolonged cabin fever. It’s not as fun as the Muppets make it seem! Between jobs, I’ve had to stay home and watch the house while it was being worked on. Don’t think that means I haven’t been doing anything. I still pull my fair share of the grunt work – driving people back and forth at all weird hours.

However, it does give me time to work on some of those pet projects of mine – if you recall. It’s not some pipe dream. My mom was even saying the other day that my brothers and I could be making all kinds of money if we spun out some t-shirts or witty bumper stickers. I’ve been trying to pull this stuff together for some time now; and I’m still making progress. I’m just trying to get all my technology up to date.

I swapped my color-blind monitor for the nicer one downstairs; but now that computer won’t work. Pain. In. My. Ass!

So, at times like this – when I always seem to be waiting for a call, or this or that – I try to do something constructive. When I have full capability, I hope to finally have something to show for it. For now, though, this is still shoved into my “spare time” category. So, as I plan my escape this weekend, here’s a peak at some of the updated projects I’ve been working on. It should give you at least a taste of what I’m talking about.

The evil - yet whiny - Prince Iago from Adventurea!

These reflect a work in progress, but I’m always looking to try out new ideas and skills. Hey, I put these hobbies on my resume. I might as well use them for something. It’s not some mindless thing I do by any means. If anything, it helps get away from those pesky dark places…yeah, I’m not going there; it’s part of my mission for Lent.

What happens when the young maid imprisoned in the tower isn’t the damsel in distress?
Maybe she’s there for a reason…

(click to enlarge)

(click to enlarge)

Spring is just around the corner. Now, if I can just make that corner without tipping over, I think I'll arrive at an exciting destination. In the meantime...'Thank God it's Friday'!

Zombies of the Deep

2007-02-23T20:15:00.000-08:00

Not *YOU*, Ted Danson!

Images are not mine (duh)

Let's turn away from the ice and cold for a moment. As I've been explaining to many people, starfish are really horrible things. I admit that I, like so many, was intrigued by them in my youth - that is, until I actually learned about them. As a tie-in to my Lenten topic, one particularly nasty variety is the crown of thorns sea star - who may be considered the tarantula of the deep.

Starfish do seem pretty cool, they've got that funkiness about them that kind of endears them to us. However, they're actually pretty gross. Kids watch things like Spongebob and get to pick up sea stars at the New England Aquarium; so many people may not be aware of how gross and horrifying they are. While sea stars certainly pose no threat to us (though the crown of thorns is bristling with toxic spines that inflict a painful burning sensation), they are notorious killers of coral.

Find more info here.

Small, spongey versions are attractive to us as they sit harmlessly soaking up rays from the sun; but the big spiny ones float towards coral reefs like UFOs and rot away these living habitats by turning their stomachs inside out and secreting digestive juices. As far as eating habits are concerned, that's pretty damn gross. Plus, once the reefs are gone, tropical sea creatures have nowhere to go. Apparently life can only exist in certain areas in the tropical seas. I did not know this - what, with Finding Nemo and all.

Sea stars are still a step above jellies - the organless, brainless balls of nuerotoxin that drift lifelessly on the open seas. What is it that compels jellyfish to eat? They have no discernable mouth; and without a brain to tell them "I'm hungry", there's not much reason to feed. They float along killing whatever they touch like ocean zombies.

Maybe there's a reason I don't think of stuff like this. These weird things we call fish but really aren't are also extremely hard to kill. Jellyfish thrive on whatever toxic crap we dump into the ocean. Some day, they may be all that's left. Lots of people say they hate fish; but that doesn't change the fact that so many people on Earth get their food from the sea. I just wonder how filling a jellyfish can be.

The Crown of Thorns can be injected with acid - to avoid contact with its venomous armor - but you have to get each "arm" individually. If you miss one, the creature will just regenerate. To kill a sea star, you must stab it's central disc - in true vampire fashion. Otherwise, not only will the body grow a new limb, but a severed limb will grow into a new organism. Again, that's pretty cool...unless you're trying to stop them from overrunning your environment and killing your food supply.

So...just thought I'd share this, since I was reminded by a documentary I saw on TV a few days ago. I'm not calling for a mass genocide of starfish or anything - just pointing out how nasty they are. They don't sing and dance like in The Little Mermaid. All they do is absorb other things and leave a trail of death across the sea floor. Not what I had expected. I may have a new spot on my mental list of "most disgusting animal ever" - between bird-eating spiders and those catfish that swim up your urine.

You underestimate the power of the Dark Side!"

2007-02-21T09:57:00.000-08:00

"My transition to the new Blogger is now complete..."

Silly, silly me! I somehow forgot that I already *have* a Google acount, because I've been using gmail for the past year or so. I fianlly got hit by the bandwagon and decided to update. This fancy new version has all kinds of labels and tags; but I want to keep my old directory. I've got other things to worry about now, like updates, updates all around! As long as I'm sitting on what little butt I have, I might as well get this blog up to speed. It's been limping along since October.

I've actually been pretty busy. I started up at a temp agency to earn money that actually folds. Perhaps it will bring about some necessary changes in my routine. Not that dodging crazed New England drivers while shuttling my brother to work isn't exciting - but I need some activities that won't potentially kill me. That being said, I upped my training at karate because I felt for a while that I wasn't where I should be.

Apparently now I frighten some people. Works for me!

And speaking of frightening people: remember this? This exhibit was recently mentioned on (my favorite show) Boston Legal.

Now that this mess is settled, expect more updates - and some of those old posts I mentioned...with the understanding that people would eventually be able to read this again. There's work going at home right now. The kitchen is being redone and the leprechauns are duking it out with the bunnies and Easter chicks for holiday supremecy. Apparently my mom just decided to decorate for everything all at once. Nothing says "Happy Easter" like vampires!

LENT - the musical

2007-02-19T11:06:00.000-08:00

Falling appropriately in the last few weeks of winter, lent is the ultra-conservative, supremely Christian tradition of making yourself feel like crap. For some reason, I haven’t thought of how phony it is until now. Seasonal affected disorder is a very real condition, and I think it’s the reason people living in the Northeast seem so hostile. Pair that with a fire-and-brimstone-style reminder of death, and you’ve got a recipe for some miserable s.o.b’s. Well, I don’t see how heaping imaginary suffering on yourself makes you a better Christian; so I’m instituting a change in this year’s ritual.

A lot of people think lent is about giving up things – usually lame things that don’t really affect your life, like eating meat on Fridays. Well, it may seem contrary to the whole depressing theme of the season, but I want to do something that will hopefully have an impact: I am deciding to give up negativity for lent. It seems like a wiser, potentially life-changing decision. Lent is supposed to be sullen and full of reminders of pain and death; but I don’t really need reminders of that. Instead, I want to focus on the bright side.

If you are Christian, lent is kind of meaningless. Jesus’ death isn’t really as important as the resurrection. If you aren’t Christian…then why are you observing lent? Are you some kind of emo-freak? I suppose you need the full scope of suffering and hardship in order to truly grasp the joy of Easter.

You know what, let’s just skip that middle part and go right to the end. It’s something that I really need to do – and people like to remind me of it on a daily basis. Sometimes, I just feel like crap for no reason, and it has an effect on everything I do. It’s hard to have confidence. Or, is it that I feel depressed because I’m not confident? It’s hard to pin down; and hard to break out of.

So, with no one else to do it, I had this discussion in my head. I tend to “settle” for some of the people around me. I tell myself that I don’t have places where everybody’s just waiting for me to walk in the door. There are, though. I just refuse to see it. I’ve been going to these places all the time. I’ve only just now realized it.

So, I’m going to do something that’s actually spiritual, instead of abstaining from videogames or some other crap I might say to my priest but have no intention of doing. I’m going to drown out all the negative crap. Some of it has no rhyme or reason; it just pops into my head. It’s from years of fear and doubt – but that was kid stuff. I’ve had many people over the years to show me what I’m really capable of. So, to honor them and their Christian works, I want to give my all in beating back sorrow and doubt wherever and whenever I can this season.

I hope those who came back out of curiosity will continue to read this blog, as it should be noticeably different (especially compared to some of the earlier posts). I’m also aware that whatever’s up with Blogger right now may be keeping people from signing on or leaving comments. I’d switch over, but you’ve got to sign on with Google and all kinds other crap. Google has all our most intimate secrets locked in a file cabinet somewhere; somehow signing up for a Google account seems a little redundant. So, we’ll see what develops. Stick around, and maybe the Easter Bunny will leave you a nice gift.

“Thank Naminé”

2007-02-14T20:25:00.000-08:00

Despite a promise to start blogging again and renew interest in my readers, I haven’t really been on the ball. There’s a ton of stuff I could write about; but my brother got me Kingdom Hearts II for my birthday, so I’ve been playing that virtually non-stop.

The good thing about being one of the last people in the free world to get a game you really want is that there’s less time to wait for the next one. They ended the hell out of this game; so what’s left? I hope they won’t have to scrape the bottom of the Disney barrel with “Flubber” or “Blackbeard’s Ghost”. They don’t have to sink that low; there’s still plenty of material for this surprise-hit Final Fantasy/Disney mishmash.

Maybe they’ll add a Haunted Mansion-inspired world. The boss fight could be against Mr. Boogedy. Why not, they had Tron in the last game! I didn’t get tired of James Woods taunting “Feel the heat!” every three seconds during the fight with Hades. It’s not too hard to imagine ol’ “hamburger face” moaning “Boogedy-boogedy-BOO!” while he shoots green funky-dust at you.

For anyone who has no idea what in God’s name I’m talking about…I pity you.

In all honesty, I don’t spend a whole lot of time playing video games. If you’re a Disney nerd like I am, these games are a must. All they’re pumping out of studios are those crappy straight-to-video sequels. Why is there a Cinderella 3? Why was there a Cinderella 2!? You know, in the Grimm fairy tale, the story ends with Cinderella (now royalty) having her evil step mom and sisters whacked – and why not, right? Of course, that’ll never sell DVDs.

I beat the game last Monday, so that’s one distraction out of the way…for now. I’m sure I’ll get around to talking about the job hunt, Christmas, and anything from China or Bermuda that I forgot to mention six months ago and have been planning to put up. This is just winter lethargy. The animals have it all figured out – they’re sleeping right now. Me? I’ve got to beat that damn airship level in Final Fantasy XII!

Demyx is my homeboy

Confirmed: TV Wants Us Dead

2007-02-12T09:25:00.000-08:00

Or at least Cartoon Network

Beloved, academy award nominated actor John C. Riley (who recently hosted a gag-inducingly awful SNL episode) somehow found himself on Adult Swim's psychedelic new lineup. I remember when Adult Swim first started, as a late-night lineup of animated sitcoms that had been dumped by other netwroks without a second chance. Somehow, it devolved into "stoner-vison" and its programming went straight into the bong with it. Instead of clever shows like Futurama running in blocks, it is now a purple haze of nightmarish, unwatchable, unfunny dreck. My friends and I could do better just by filming ourselves making fun of the crap we're watching.

Nothing against pot-heads; my high school (and college) was no different than anybody else's. Still, why do they get to usurp the only thing that managed to bring my friends and I together? I mean, do they even appreciate this crap? Can they remember what they saw last night? If you watch this stuff 'cold' (that is, not loaded on whatever the holy hell the writers are taking), Tim and Eric's Awesome Show or Saul of the Mole People are beyond bad. I'd rather be forced to watch Scream, Blacula, Scream! five times in a row than even the opening credits of one of these shows.

Seriously; there's money involved, so how do these get made? Who okays this? All you get to see otherwise is a month-old episode of Family Guy before the freak-out begins. Since this is Sunday, a new Family Guy would have already aired on Fox - or barring that, a rerun from this season...which may or may not be the exact same episode that later airs on Cartoon Network! These shows are played in a loop later on, as I discovered to my horror during a party last night. So, why not just show them later at night and not mess with the lineup?

I'm not saying "take these off the air because I don't like them". I can - and will - just change the channel. My question is "WHY"? What the hell is going on with these people? Could we maybe give the stoners another night instead? I don't think they'll complain - they're too busy laughing at giant neon spiders.

Watching the "evolution" of Adult Swim is like losing a loved one to dementia. The shows went from adult content, to sophomoric, to infantile, to making completely no sense at all - unless you're really really baked! Is this part of some insidious experiment we don't know about? Do these shows contain code or Satanic messages? Perhaps, in the immortal words of Dr. Clayton Forrester, "There's no reason for it. It just is".

What else can we expect from a network that puts shows like The Justice League in and out of hiatus without warning, shows its episodes only once (in secret), and then says with a heavy heart that they must cancel it? This is the new trend in television. Looks like we'll have a stampede for DVDs. I guess without the soothing influence of "happy drugs", all these shows will do is drive us into an insane, murdering, frenzy. I wonder if there's a little gold statue in John C. Riley's future...or is that a decorative bong?

Is TV Trying to Kill Us?

2007-02-07T08:20:00.000-08:00

Say what you want about the whole Aqua Teen stunt – at least it took focus away from 24, which has Muslims ululating-mad over its portrayal of a fundamentalist villain. Did I miss something, or are you supposed to hate the bad guy? How crazy is it to think people are smart enough not to mistake an episode of 24 for a news broadcast? Before you answer, consider one more question: “Is TV trying to kill us”? Don’t laugh; the truth is more disturbing than you may realize…

Commercials tell us to eat bad foods in greater portions, spend more money than we have, and not give a second thought about anything. While TV convinces women they’re too fat, it tells guys to “Be Frank” and try “Hungry Man” (which totally sucks and does not fill you btw). Get drunk. Womanize. One-up your friends over something as trivial as French Fries. Ads tell us it’s okay, because we’ll always have TV to come home to.

What’s the greatest suspicion TV is trying to take over your life? How many ads are out there now urging you to get a bigger TV? Just when you think it’s time to chuck out your old one, TV humbly suggests that you get a new one the length of your wall. Not too long ago, I noticed a growing number of ads that actually try to hypnotize you. Sure, today it’s “eat more fiber” or “go to Burger King”; tomorrow it’s “kill the president” or “democracy has failed you”! Just last night, a brick was hurled through my window. I jumped out of bed to find the culprit, just in time to see a TV scurry into the bushes.

TV can be seductive; don’t let it lure you into the shower with it. It will make all kinds of promises to you, but so many commercials are doctored now. You have no intention of watching anything on TV some night, but then you see an ad making it look like a character on your favorite show gets killed; but then you watch the episode and nothing happens. It’s all a trick. Suddenly your TV is Hannibal Lector!

So, just who’s watching who? You have to ask yourself. Are we meant to be terrified or enraged by everything we see on TV? We become so paranoid we’re afraid to leave the house; so what do we do? We watch television.

We let “reality shows” tell us what life is like. Creativity shuts down. Who needs human contact when Oprah and Dr. Phil can tell us how to solve all our problems? Why does Bill O’Reilly have his own show while Noam Chomsky has to appear early mornings on public broadcasts? By this point, I can possibly imagine that human corporations aren’t even in control of their programming – they’re all ruled by a giant TV set with a big glowing face like the Master Control Program from TRON.

“IGNORANT USERS. OBEY THE MCP! YOU WILL WATCH BRITNEY AND KEVIN: CHAOTIC!”

With all the crap that’s going on, don’t forget where you see it all – the TV. If you watch TV to be entertained and find that it just isn’t entertaining you, you may wonder…is your TV trying to kill you?

The 'OUCH' In Couch

2007-02-05T07:35:00.000-08:00

BTW, THIS monstrosity is our old sofa.

Happy Birthday To Me

2007-01-27T09:15:00.000-08:00

The following takes place between 9:00am and 10:00 on January 27th.

Today, I turn 24 - that's three years after my "good God, I can't believe I made it this far" 21st birthday. Yes, things are much brighter. I even have plans for this weekend, just because it seems I usually don't do anything special. So, I thought I'd jot this down before heading out. Later today, we may be getting a new couch - that's not a birthday present or anything, we just need a new couch...badly. And, since 80's stuff is now "retro" (somehow), I guess "everything old is new again".

Here's to many more years on a new sofa.

The Bagel Effect

2007-01-24T09:20:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the best way to get caught up on all the posts I've been missing while vacationing in drama ville the last few months. I think I can pretty much sum everything up in three words: The Bagle Effect.

Anything weird or even inconvenient that's happened lately is all tied to this phenomenon I call The Bagel Effect. There may be a more technical term, but I like mine better...probably because I didn't have breakfast. Here's how it works:

Have you ever put your bagel into the toaster oven? If not, just leave right now; you'll have no clue what I'm talking about! Of course, you don't want it to burn, so you sit there and watch it for a brief eternity, waiting for it to be ready. By some bizarre, evil physics, it will never ready while you're watching it. Yet, turn away for ten seconds...thirty...suddenly the thing looks like it survived a ten-story fire.

Did it pop over to another dimension while I wasn't looking? Did I? You can plan all you want; but the moment your back is turned, that's when it all starts. I find the more you don't want something to happen, the more likely it becomes. Naturally, it happens the instant you drop your guard.

We're waiting for that big snow storm. So far, it's been a pretty mild winter. The moment we stop caring, we'll get blitzed with yet another storm-of-the-century. Things have a strange way of creeping up on you. Try to plan around things, and random stuff will just happen - The Bagel Effect.

The Green Goblin's been running smoothly despite a blown tire around Christmas. Suddenly, with our one unnexpected day of single-digit cold, my car won't start. I got a new battery with a minimum of fuss...only to discover that I need something else done, just as my headlight and tail light go out on one side. Well, smear some cream cheese on that one! There's the The Bagel Effect for ya.

It even happens in video games. I got Final Fantasy XII for Christmas, which is cool because I have so few games of my own. I can tell you from past New Year's parties, watching other people play video games is a step above having your fingernails individually peeled off by a sadistic baboon.

It seems like I'm off to a decent start. My party members have full power and we've aced most of the enemies we've come across. All of a sudden, I come to one room where we get attacked by three or four of the same enemies and suddenly everyone dies! I guess they have The Bagel Effect in Ivalice, too.

I can only hope this also afflicts people who truly deserve to be screwed - like evil dictators (which I guess presupposes there are good dictators). If you look at history, this happened a bunch of times to the Romans. You could apply this to anybody who underestimates their enemies or overestimates their capabilities. Consider it a warning: if you think you've got a fool-proof plan, you're just inviting trouble.

When you least expect it, you're gonna get burned!

Colder Than A Witch's Nipples

2007-01-17T06:47:00.000-08:00

In the off chance that somebody actually reads this, I might as well mention that it is so cold my car won't start. After the snow and hail has stayed out of the Northeast for most of this winter, we finally got blitzed with sub-zero temperatures. Fortunatley, my town was spared from the ice storm that hit most of New England and brought down power lines. So, I was all prepared to go to work this morning. Unfortunately, my car won't start...at all.

All that happened when I turned my key (at six thirty this morning) was that the damned car alarm went off. I've got one of those really annoying ones that sounds like a donkey laugh. That cleared my sinuses! I'm sure the neighbors appreciated it too. So, I waited a bit, called work, tried again...and again...and again.

So, with no way to get to work, and no way to get home - even if I had a ride - I'm stuck in my house on the coldest day in the last three or four years. I'm missing one of the last few paying work days of my job, which I quit last Friday. So, I can't say I'm really enjoying myself. I wodner if I still qualify for sick time? Still, at least I'm not out collecting garbage on a day like this. How do these people do it!

Seriously, the rest of the country would shut down on a day like this - but not New England. We "run on Dunkin" or whatever. Right now, this is just sort of an experiment to see who actually still reads this. To be fair, I did kinda say I was done blogging; but I started up again because there are people who read this and don't say anything that I'm not even aware of. They atarted asking when I'm goign to write something new. So, here I am...updating my horribly outdated blog on the coldest day of the year (yeah I know it's still January. Bite me!).

No matter where you are, stay warm. If I actually get a few comments, maybe I'll drudge ahead towards spring. Till then, looks like I'm not workin'...

"I'm not dead. I feel happy!"

2007-01-16T06:59:00.000-08:00

I'm seriously going to update this thing, some day. I swear. You'll see...

There'll be blackjack, and hookers...

...In fact, nevermind the blog!

And no, I'm not going to count this as a post either.

Holy Crap! I Slept Through December

2006-12-21T14:27:00.000-08:00

AND November!

I got caught up in the mad rush of Halloweenakkuh; and before I knew what was going on, it was the last week of Advent. Technically, there's another sunday to go - but this sunday is Christmas Eve. I'd say that doesn't count; but according to our pastor, this sunday counts TWICE! Good news for the folks who only go twice a year I guess...

Like most of the other blogs I read, I've been in a vegetative coma for a while, but I'm ready to return. Honest, I was busy. Hella-crazy-busy. I was still in the Halloween afterglow when Thanksgiving sprung up behind me like a ravenous werewolf. Now, Christmas is only a stone's throw away - and I haven't put up the pictures I took of our house this year, for me mum.

I like to think I didn't just get the run-of-the-mill Christmas gifts this year, that I did something different. We'll see if I did or not. In the meantime, here's a look at our Macy's-worthy window display. We decided to do something different this year, with our new windows...

click to enlarge - "It's dazzlemazing!"

Hope all your holiday wishes come true. See you next year - with updates. I'd say that's a resolution, but I don't want to make a liar out of myself.

Merry Chrismakkuh!
Happy Festivus!
Kwazy Kwanza!

and, I duno, "Merry Solstice" to any witches out there. Did I leave anybody out?

The Policy of Truth

2006-12-18T13:50:00.000-08:00

It's just time to pay the price for not listening to advice

And deciding in your youth on The Policy of Truth...

I haven't updated in a while, so here's a dumptruck for ya:

I've prided myself these past few years on being an individual. I had reached those cynnical college years where it was important to step out on your own and be your own person. Apparently, as I recently learned, that person is an asshole. Really bad things seem to happen to me - but not all the time. So, eventually the whole 'tortured soul' excuse starts to lose validity - and I'm stuck being an asshole. I never wanted my desire to be a free spirit to cause me to hurt those I care about.

So, one of the reasons I haven't updated since Thanksgiving- and am updating now - is because of things in my life that have interefered with updating this post. In this case, it's not something that happened to me, but something I did myself. That's far worse. I'm not supposed to do bad things to people. I'm supposed to be the one who helps people when they're down - after all, that's what happened to me. Somehow, I started listening to that demonic voice I thought I had finally gotten rid of. Now I'm not sure if I should be relieved or ashamed that some of the things I thought were going on in my life were just illusions and snap judgements.

Hadn't I been warned about this? I should know better...but then, as a Catholic, I'm well aware of the difference between what we should do and what we actually do. A friendship that I thought was on great terms has now been jeopardized; and so far my attempts to fix it have made it worse. What the hell is that!? What am I supposed to do here? Maybe I shouldn't have tried to toss some humor into my apology.

I've never said anything I can't take back before. It's such an odd feeling. See, this is why I can't do a relationship. Imagine if there were sex involved...wait, no! Scratch that!

Whoops, humor again. Damn my quirky defense mechanisms!

Here's the trap: I wanted to be my own person. So now, I can't be anyone but me. No matter what I say or do, I'm still me - all of me. No matter how I feel about someone, they can't have the good without the bad. It's all me.

I can't change on a dime - especially through words. That doesn't mean I don't want to change. I am different. I'm not alone, just different. I see and do things differently than other people - and that can be a blessing or a curse. Still, people don't accept my being different. They want to ground me, to do more than see from their point of view, but to actually share it. That's something I can't do.

It doesn't mean I don't want to. There's a difference. This must be why I have such a hard time discussing these things - with or without humor. How do I approach people with even simple, stupid little problems when they might explode with an entirely different reaction - or else turn a deaf ear? I have a problem, so I go to one friend over another; and the next thing I know, I'm bombarded with emails telling me that "for my own good" I should talk to other people.

So, I'm honestly not sure if it's me in the cuckoo's nest. I am sorry if I create the impression I'm constantly unhappy. I'm a fun, insightful, and optimistic person. I want people to see me in that light; but when I go to parties and social gatherings, my shyness and everyone else's network of new friends and acqauintences conspire to do me in. And who suffers? Me - in a moment of weakness, I listen to that little dark voice who speaks in nothing but lies.

So there; it may not make sense to you, but there's my soul right there. Don't you dare, DARE make fun of it.

Season's Eatings

2006-11-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

From Fat Dracula

Come to think of it, Thanksgiving is my Thanksgiving too!

Good evening...Please, enter freely of your own will and leave some of the candied sweet potatoes you bring. Once again, it is my pleasure to welcome you. Did you bring the stuffing? I hope you left the garlic toast at home...we don't want a repeat of last year!

Thanksgiving is finally here - the holiday our ancestors began in order to stave off cannibalism. I guess that rules me out, being a vampire and all. I know, I was just here a few weeks ago. Where does the time go? That's the way Thanksgiving always is at my house!

I'm all prepared. Try not to swoon, ladies; but I've already undone my belt for the big day. The best part is: I don't have to worry about having a massive heart attack because my heart stopped pumping years ago! Let's see your fancy Atkins Diet beat that! I hear wine is good for your heart now though. I guess I should bring out the sangria!

The holiday crowd's not very big around here. Mostly, I just sit around and catch the game - maybe five minutes of the parade. Then it's off to feed on young virgins! Pretty sweet. They're usually groggy form all the turkey, so I get a head start. At my age, I'll take what I can get!

It still beats the holy heck outta Christmas time. Too many damn werewolves running around! How am I supposed to compete with that? I'd invite 'em over for dinner...but then there'd be less for me. See, then we'd lose the true menaing of Thanksgiving: stuffing your face till you pass out.

TGIF everybody! Thanks Giving Is Fantastic! So, till the next time I see ya, butter your necks!

Odes to My Favorite Shirt

2006-11-14T18:14:00.000-08:00

Due to technical difficulties beyond my control, I haven’t been able to update as I’d liked. So, just to say I posted something new, here’s an old chestnut uncovered from the ol’ ‘Disney Vault’. This is something very near and dear to me. I couldn’t think of anyone better to share it with than the four or five people who currently read my blog. My former readers believe I’ve met my demise in a Guatemalan prison or something. In the tradition of John’s haiku section, here’s a special homage to a kick-ass shirt that refuses to die.

Like much of young America, I have my own fashion sense. I don’t know the difference between Prada and Gucci – nor do I give a squirrel’s left testicle. I’ve always had a modest collection of clothing that I like to wear…and some hidden articles my relatives gave me for Christmas that I have no intention of wearing. The crown jewel of my T-shirt stash came from the Big Dog store. At the time I got it, I must have been twelve-ish; and it was clearly the coolest thing EVER!

Karate beagle
His foot raised in a thrust kick
My favorite shirt

Clear, confident stare
His fighting skill is unmatched
Cool ninja snoopy

Badass dog black belt
Looks like he’d make a great pet
‘Til he knocks you out!

** POW!! ** This made my first communion outfit look like crap! Sadly, the ‘dog ninja’ line never really took off. Big Dog’s marketing selection really went downhill after they discontinued this shirt. I guess they thought it was more "original" to just take other people’s catch phrases and make it look like the Big Dog was saying it. “Git ‘r’ done” – priceless! They probably figure 'The Cable Guy' won’t sue them because he lives in a trailer.

Though their line now consists of different “…then stay out the kitchen” sayings, and twelve different designs of dogs playing poker, Big Dog Sportswear will always have a place in my heart because of this shirt. I wore it a lot, but I was always sure to put it in the wash. Then, one day, I realized I couldn’t find it. I looked high and low, concluding that Kung Fu Snoopy must have vanished like ninja. A month or two later, I made a tragic discovery…

Shirt discontinued
What a wicked, wicked world!
Who made this a rag!?

A F@$%ing dish rag! What hellish bastard-spawn had turned my favorite shirt of all time – indeed one of my only solid, happy childhood memories – into a rag for mopping up human filth?

Dark gypsy curses
On whoever took my shirt.
I will have revenge!

Clearly, it was now unsafe to wear. It now sits on the little rack where I keep all my karate stuff – protected by a pair of deadly foam nunchucks. There it will stay as a most-honored relic – like some Medieval tapestry, or that video-taped special I have of Meet the Raisins from the 80’s. Can you believe it only aired once!?

Gimme Some Candy, Fool!

2006-10-31T16:00:00.000-08:00

Wiggity-wiggity-wussup! Homie G. in da house, ready for another round of 'trick my treats'! You remember da Homiegoblin, dawg. Tonight's the night. You feelin' it? My peeps gonna be out hittin' the town, sos you get to spend the night with my fine self.

Hey! Where you goin'? C'mon, man - this my one night to bust out and get freaky. I been waitin all year to bust a move, so why don't y'all join in. Let's tear this muthuh down!

Some folks never catch on. Whatev. What really makes my green blood boil is people who guts the cajones to try an mess up other peoples’ fun – game killers, yo. Ain’t no better place for that crap than local news. Boss Man’s south shore rag The Patriot Ledger got him trippin again. Damn, “It’s like they run by Fox News or something”! I hear that, dawg…

Check it: crossed-out witch on the front, article about Halloween being too scary for little kids. Dag yo, Halloween’s wasted on the young! Some fool’s lil boo got scared while trick-or-trickin’, now some crackuh-ass shrink tells folks it’s “common” for kids between 5 and 6. Lil Boo’s 9 years old, dawg! Maybe while this fool’s giving out advice like fat-ass Dr. Phil, he recommends parents take them little frilled dickies off their shorties. Naw; he says, “don’t get anything scary” when it comes to costumes – and take your shorties trick-or-treating during daylight.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinkin’; you wonderin’ why mom and pops are dragging their kids off into these places in the first place. I mean, damn! What they trippin’ on? Folks, if you know it’s gonna turn your kid into a candy-ass little fruit, please do not bring him to Spooky World! That’s all I gots to say. For the rest of these geezers, I can only say, “Shut up and give me some candy fool”!

Now, while Boss Man’s out with ‘the brain pain’, I been settin’ up for the big night. Hallo-wickitty-wickitty-ween! I’m gonna party like it’s 2006, y’all. I’ll have more for ya tomorrow when we toss on a sombrero and celebrate The Day of the Dead, yo! Everybody have a great Halloween; and someone gets on your case, just tell 'em, “Feel my pimp hand!” --WHACK!--

A Message From Fat Dracula

2006-10-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

Blah! You damn kids - come closer! Don't make me come after you, I'll get my broom! You kids think you're so smart today. When I was young, you used to have to work for your treats! Now, parents are spoiling their kids rotten! I can't bite people with such high blood sugar. Have pity on an old man's heart.

Halloween's almost here - just a few short days. I can't wait to get out there and shake my booty (not that it needs an excuse to shake)! Halloween is my Thanksgiving. So many drunken sorority girls stumbling around after dark. Being a creature of the night, ladies simply cannot resist my suave vampire sex appeal.

It's true! You may look like a fat schlub for most of your life; but once you become a vampire, the chicks just flock after you. Sure, most are carrying stakes and crosses... but still! This is one sweet gig, I gotta tell ya. That's why I love Halloween!

Did I mention the spread? Look at that! Now that's what I'm talking about! I gotta say, there's worse things than being a vampire. Try being a vampire with IBS and high blood pressure. How do you even get high blood pressure without a pulse!?

Just take it from me: go easy on the sweets this Halloween. That goes for all of you. Now, I'm not just saying that so you won't give me heartburn when I eat you. Folks nowadays need to take care of themselves. Take it from me - and if you can't trust an overweight vampire who can you trust?

Now... All this talk about food has made me hungry. Go! Go to Burger King. Buy me some Chicken Fries...I command you!

"Get juiced, dress up like jerks, and dance - BADLY!"

2006-10-24T07:34:00.000-07:00

Holy week-before-Halloween, Batman!

I find myself facing a similar problem to last year. I will likely join in taking Brianna trick-or-treating again; and on top of that, I have been invited to a Halloween party. I could try several costume ideas; but I'm in a place where I feel like I've done "everything" - and nobody touches the facial hair! Seriously, don't tick off the black belt. Still, it's good to start some new traditions this year. The old kiddie stuff is long gone by now; I'm in the bob-naked-for-apples and dance-till-you-vomit world of adult Halloween parties!

I'm not saying that any of those things will happen this weekend...at least, not to me. When all the prep work is done, I still have no costume for next Tuesday! So, I'm in a bind. For the first time since forever, I have no idea what I'll dress as for Halloween. Without a mask, I'm limited to characters with facial hair - that is, the thin layer of 'Jonathan Frakes' hair my Irish genes will allow me to grow.

Let's see; I've considered going as Count Dooku, stuffing a pillow under my shirt and going as the disshevled Detective 'Why aren't I Harvey Bullock?' Flass from Batman Begins, and even Mr. Tumnas from Chronicles of Narnia. I'm gonna want a shirt on though. If this year follows suit, it's going to snow on Halloween. Yes, I already made the same decision you did: those ideas suck. So, what am I left with? Apparently, the need to resort to posting this online - since I can't write what I want to, because I'm breaking in my spankin' new computer. I'm still moving around some of my files, yet another distraction from Halloween!

Let's see what's popular this year...

Hmm, Moses...or Hagrid?

Swishy Gangster?

Ass Pirates of the Caribbean?

'Arrrrr!'

Definately not!!

*******************

It's nice to be able to do things on Halloween again though. It seems to have become very popular again after a few years of cottoning to old geezers who wanted to ban it because it "scares little children". Balogna! Did I miss the point, or is Halloween suppsoed to be scary? I think the old folk just don't like being reminded of death. Maybe I'll just dress up as The Grim Reaper and randomly knock on old peoples' doors. It'll scare the crap out of them...

Revenge of the September Curse

2006-10-20T08:54:00.001-07:00

Schlocktoberfest 2006

Well, it looks like it really got me this year. I was ready to call it quits, until a bunch of people came to me asking why I shut down my blog. The easy answer is: The September Curse. As I was explaining, an inexplicable rash of bizarre events seems to pop up every September since the attack on the WTC - at least for me. This year, it seems to have hit quite a few more people, taking away some of my regular commenters and making my blogging efforts seem futile - after I openly mocked the curse last month.

Fortunatley, I had begun some of my Halloween posts early. I think as far back as "They're coming to get you, Barbara", I've had a good crop of stories brewing for this year's fright night. I can't belive it's only two weeks away! That little, let's call it "hiatus", really threw off my groove! Still, I've gone back and touched up some of the previous posts to get them ready for the 2006 Halloween 'Schlocktoberfest'. I have a few more entries on their way before the big night.

So, welcome back all you children of the night; and stay tuned for more festivities.

Killing Me Softly

2006-10-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

Schlocktoberfest 2006

It’s the God-damnedest thing I’ve ever heard in all my life; and I feel like I’ve been hearing it forever. Global warming, pollution, toxic waste dumping, ozone depletion, deforestation, gas shortages; all of these things are facts. They’re real, they’re happening now, and they’re killing us – and we don’t care. They’re killing us not-so-slowly as we think. What, do people think cancer just happens? It’s not a blister, it’s one of the world’s most feared diseases; and we know what causes it in many cases.

I can guarantee peoples’ first reaction to this is to mutter “whatever” and leave. There’s some kind of masochistic denial hard-wired into us to prevent anyone from listening to actual reason. We just don’t want to hear it. What absolutely blows me away is the people who are telling us these things – that we’re carelessly poisoning ourselves – are the very people we’re violently ignoring. It’s the scientists, the “egg-heads” we allow to do all our thinking for us so we don’t have to get off our collective asses. These are the people we charge with finding out this kind of stuff. Yet, when they come to us with their findings, our response is “F–you! What do you know”!

Isn’t this what we pay these people for? If so, how can we logically react this way? I understand if a researcher comes forward with evidence of something cryptic like Bigfoot or Nessie; it would make sense to be skeptical in that situation. Here, the people we trust to do this kind of work are presenting hard scientific evidence that we are (as I affirm) carelessly poisoning ourselves – and people don’t care. They think it’s fun!

“Wheee! Cancer!”

What is it going to take? Why won’t people accept it? These aren’t the ravings of some apocalyptic doomsayer. These aren’t mandates from God. Ozone exists in nature, you know. The atmosphere will repair itself, if only people can stop being naïve, selfish, (and frankly, suicidal) enough to keep from seeing the bigger picture. If we simply stop doing certain things, change our behavior ever so slightly, exercise some modicum of control, then we can actually undo what has been building up for several generations.

Politicians can throw out issues like this because saving the environment doesn’t make them any richer. Therefore, what’s the point? Let’s focus instead on our opponent’s sex scandal and what to do about “unchristian” TV shows. Clearly, these are the most important issues of our time. For God’s sake people, don’t leave it to politicians – because they couldn’t possibly care. Instead of blaming weather men or even some other country for the unseasonable weather, why not try and do something about it? Or are you happier slowly killing yourself with pleasure, and therefore leading a “full life” at the ripe old age of 50, to have any concern for the next generation?

If you’re okay with dying, then go ahead. Clearly we can’t stop you. For the rest of us, who may actually want grandchildren, ignoring these issues really isn’t an option. As reports from the end of September have revealed, it’s not terrorists who are killing us – it’s US. America isn’t any safer because of the Iraq war, it’s just the opposite. In truth, the war is distracting us from other things that are going on – dark, unimaginable things that political groups feel is in the country’s best interests. If American values don’t mean anything to them, then maybe this country isn’t supposed to be the be-all and end-all of our planet; maybe there’s something bigger to worry about.

Michael Crichton was correct in asserting, at the end of Jurassic Park, that humans can’t really destroy the Earth. What we’re doing is destroying our environment, our habitat, our living space. That’s a very wide living space. Endangered and extinct species can either yank on the heart strings of common people, or be coldly ignored by those seeking material pleasures from their own small little world. However, these die-offs are not simply a problem in and of themselves; they are part of a series of extinctions that can – and may – end with humans. They are the first warning signs of a larger problem. Our planet isn’t actually dying, just the habitat we’ve given ourselves to live in.

So, where does that leave us? Unless you want a future where all our meals come in suppository form, due to lack of sustainable animal and plant life, we will have to address these global issues eventually. Sound a little far-fetched? That’s the grim down-side to the Jetsons-style future we all harbor in our minds: living above the clouds to escape smog, and to compensate for the total lack of habitable ground space. I suggest we make “eventually” sometime sooner than later. Think about it, we’re already slaughtering each other over limited resources. We’re a race of people either starving to death, killing each other over things like oil, or dying of bizarre diseases that can be tied to our drug use or an over-reliance on chemicals.

Is the environment important to think about? Yes. How could you possibly not? Where else are you going to go? Maybe you’re not dying from toxic some pollutant. Suppose you don’t live near any contaminated areas; you’re not the one polluting the earth, so why should you care? Maybe it’s your niece born with leukemia.

Maybe the sudden quiet at night and the disappearance of familiar animals is a clue, a warning of things to come. Things don’t just happen – and that includes fixing the mess we’re all in right now. Believe it. This isn’t supposed to be a scare tactic or a bitchy rant. It’s meant as a wake-up call. Can we afford to wait for “someone” to do something about it – since we continually ignore the people we’ve already appointed to do that? You’re “someone”, aren’t you?

Schlocktoberfest

2006-10-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

"Death is only the beginning"...

Out of sheer boredom, and a turn of most fortunate events, I RISE - like Maya Angelou! The "undead" state of my blog helped me get worked up for Halloween. Somehow, it snuck up on me this year. I know October has only just begun; but it feels like there's no time! I said there was more to write, most notably the Halloween posts I didn't get to last year. There are a few more forgotten stories to dust off and hoist out of the grave - so, if anyone gives a crap, it looks like I'm back in business.

As far as decorating and Trick-or-Treating, I want this year to be an improvement. For the first time, I'm trying out a Munsters-style "Halloween tree". The instant the dog knocks it over, she's going out the friggin window!

I can't allow Halloween to just pass me by without writing something about it. After all, we've seen how it's a major holiday around here. With the apparent pumpkin shortage in this country, we need something to help us get in the spirit. Man; spinach, pumpkins - does someone have something against vegetables? Let me rephrase that: does someone with access to infectious bacteria have something against vegetables, enough to kill for it?

Well, since it seems like I started Halloween early with my last few posts, I don't mind jumping to the second week of October to begin this year's entires. Just consider me on hiatus for the last few weeks. Was it a few weeks? I'm not even sure. I really had better stuff to worry about, so I don't think I was paying all that much attention.

Bring Me Back From The Dead

2006-09-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Ever have a day when you just feel like this?

Well, this is depressing.

All that build-up has lead to this: until further notice, this blog is officially dead. I guess 100 plus posts and that whole birthday benchmark weren't enough. We had some good times though - that Mt. Graylock trip, China and Bermuda, reviews of some terrible - and not so terrible - movies, even Halloween and Christmas. I had much more to say; but, after about three months of virtual nothingness, it's time to face facts.

This blog is in a state of "undeath". I'm not going to abandon it altogether, but I also won't worry about updates and things if nobody's reading it. Maybe I should have taken that curse seriously after all? Leave any pertinent comments here. I guess it's "until we meet again". Hopefully, it will be in this world...

Total Eclipse Of My Brain

2006-09-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

Schlocktoberfest 2006

Ever zone out while listening to music? It usually happens when something comes on that you’re not too interested in listening to but you don’t feel like surfing through the stations – like today, when Total Eclipse of the Heart came on the radio as I was driving. That’s not as hazardous as I’m making it sound! I don’t care much about the song one way or the other; but I’d just come back from looking at Halloween stuff, so my mind completely went off into its own thing. Why mention something so random? Because, it is seems now like the official start of Halloweenakkuh, the “eh, whatever” phase of the retail business!

In a marriage that only Tim Burton could conceive of, Halloween and Christmas merchandise appears side-by-side, merging into their own freakish holiday chimera. They’re even starting to make Halloween decorations in Christmas style now. I’ve been unloading freight for the last few months to earn some extra money. That’s where I came across some black jingle-bell door chimes in the shape of giant spiders, complete with orange ribbon. I geek out over stuff like that: everything from candles shaped like mummy hands to the nutcracker witches we sell at Home Goods.

I’m not even weird and Gothic. I don’t paint my toenails black and wear gauze or anything. This is just my time of year. Soon, my three favorite holidays will come one after the other – leaving months and months of empty nothingness behind them…

Anyway, my Muppet-inspired daydream may have given me some appreciation for this song, which I could otherwise take or leave. I was on my way home from looking at Halloween stuff. The music started, and I somehow pictured this corpsey mask I bought at Walmart last year – only he’s a Fozzy or Rolf-like Muppet (with the moving mouth and little ghoul hands playing a piano, beneath his tattered black cloak).

He sings the “Turn around” part and is soon joined by The Bride of Frankenstein – who sings a tortured love song about a man she once cared for before a mad scientist turned her into the walking dead. Cheerful. The setting is shown to be a castle chamber – possibly an abandoned lab? – with a large, moonlit window…

“Turnaround”, Every now and then I get a
little bit lonely and you're never coming around
“Turnaround”, Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
“Turnaround”, Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
“Turnaround”, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
“Turnaround bright eyes”, Every now and
then I fall apart

“Fall apart” – get it? Because she’s been sewn together by a madman! There are some good lyrics that actually conjure up images like that.

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together

“Forever”, because she’s dead and stuff. She claims they’ll “never be wrong together” because he won’t care if she is all zombie-ish. She’s soon joined by soulful singing ghosts (Kind of like that Alice Cooper bit on The Muppet Show) for the big chorus.

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

At this point, she begins sparking, since she was brought to life with electricity.

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

You can bring a really morbid and literal interpretation to that part if you want – which I do!

Anyway, let’s skip ahead a little. This is the sort of sad part, where she flashes back to her happier non-undead days:

“Turnaround”, Every now and then I know
you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
“Turnaround”, Every now and then I know
there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
“Turnaround”, Every now and then I know
there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do
“Turnaround bright eyes”, Every now and
then I fall apart
"Turnaround bright eyes", Every now and
then I fall apart

Once we get to the bridge, there’s this thumping sound for percussion, that I interpreted as the villagers storming her castle and trying to batter down the door. The Bride is just too desperate and depressed to really do anything, so she continues her pleaful singing.

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

As the angry mob bursts in, the man from her photograph swings in from the window and holds them off. Meanwhile, The Bride backs towards the window ledge, still singing. Hey, it’s her video! Those pirates never stopped Cindy Lauper from singing “Good Enough”.

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks!

She sparks again, this time shooting lightning to drive off the attackers. The two lovers swing from the window by the dude’s grappling hook, or however the hell he got in, and they land in a shady grove across the river. They slip into a moonlit clearing and meet up with the singing ghouls – who escaped somehow. The ‘quiet part’ at the end is The Bride retelling her story to the man:

Then, there’s another, angrier “Turn around” sequence – which I imagined is him telling her it doesn’t matter that she’s a monster. The final duet is, obviously, them. Annnnd…fade.

Morbid? Yes. Romantic? Yes. A bizarre hiccup of my brain, and minutes of your day that you can never get back? Hell yes!

Damn, I want to see this in production now! Somebody get on that. Try this yourself sometime. Get a hold of the song and picture all this stuff if you can. All of this was only 2 minutes of my day; so it’s not like I spent hours trying to imagine this or anything. This is only a flavor of things to come…but hopefully less weird. Stay tuned.

Fearful Symmetry

2006-09-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

Schlocktoberfest 2006

This is the end of the first "week" of school. Going back to school again can leave people with different feelings. I have a strange sort of relationship with Glenn right now, since he's just starting at the college I just graduated from. Not only that, but he's starting off with EN 102 just like I did - and has the same professor. Since it is also one of my favorite professors from BSC, we have a lot to talk about.

It's also pretty weird how he doesn't have his license yet. I didn't either when I first started. I relied on a series of carpools to get me where I was going. No matter how you go, traveling on Route 18 (or any state road, I imagine) is a bite in the ass. There's roadwork constantly going on in the same three spots every year. Random guys were digging up the road in my first semester, and they're digging up that same patch right now. It's like something out of The Truman Show.

I'm back to picking up Brianna from school. That same crossing guard/lunch lady from forever ago is still at the end of our street, cursing out the idiots who don't stop for children. I get random invites to my brother's place - just like when he and Michele had their place in Quincy. This time, they're only three minutes away; but the road getting there is just as bumpy. I guess when they're done on Route 18, the boys head over there and start randomly digging holes. What, are they looking for pirate gold?

I guess it's true: the more things change, the more they stay the same. Little details keep changing, but the big picture is still the same. That's good though. It means you can't really derail. This is relavant to something that I may post at a later date; but for now, it's just kind of freaky to observe. Almost hypnotically, after summer, everything falls back into routine.

That actually may or may not be a good thing. If you rely too much on "the system" you can't think outside the box. I do pride myself on individuality and creativity. I can see what other's can't - kind of like Dare Devil. Toss a wrench into your everyday routine, and some things just go completely haywire. That's not something I envy at all.

Fall is upon us, and that happens to be my favorite time of year. Now that I've become so accustomed to the mechanics of "the system", there are some things that just seem kind of dull and predictable - whether I want to view them that way or not. The change of seasons (which I usually enjoy) is one of those. It's conforting to know that there will only be darkness for a few days around the Winter Solstice before it begins to get lighter again - and it feels like it the first day of summer has just passed and everything had lit up again after a long, dark winter. I'm not bored with life or anything; but I do also notice that (in all the weirdest ways) I really miss China.

I hope Glenn gets the opportunity to take such a trip. Everyone should get at least one chance to do something like that before they die. I am reminded by September 11th that the "big picture" of the world has changed. There are once-simple things that we can't take for granted anymore. That was my college experience - first semester. I really do hope things go much better for him.

Otherwise, things are as normal as they get. I don't necessarily consider normal to be boring - unless you're talking about people. What the hell is a "normal" person, anyway? Normal has its own variations that produce different results - little changes - that all head towards the same path. So, just because it may seem like history is about to repeat itself, that doesn't mean it will. I think my talking with Glenn about some things can only build on and improve the experience. I mean, if nothing else, I can warn him about what to look out for...

Curse Be Damned!

2006-09-05T17:51:00.000-07:00

Schlocktoberfest 2006

I may be on to something here. I thought April was the cruelest month! There's definately some weirdness going around. I'm spitting at fate and bringing you a two-fer this time:

Requiem For A Crocodile Hunter

If anyone hasn't heard the news, Australia's famed "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin died this weekend. In a scenario often jokingly proposed in comedy skits, he suffered a fatal attack from a creature that is potentially deadly but seldom harms humans - here, a sting ray. I knew those damn things were trouble; I was scared to step on one in Bermuda. They're just plain creepy. Sorry if I sound like a bit of a mouthpiece here; but like so many others, I enjoyed watching his programs and many TV appearances.

Perhaps no one tested fate like him, tackling two-ton crocs and venom-spitting cobras, all for the benefit of teaching children about animals. Some people laughed at his "over-the-top" theatricality, but right now all those snake attack jokes just don't seem that funny. In fact, the last I'd actually heard about Steve Irwin was that contraversy a few years ago when he held his infant son while feeding a crocodile. Personally, I trust someone who's made a living as "The Crocodile Hunter" to keep his baby from being eaten alive. Still, his tragic demise has a very different effect on the world - fans and critics alike. When such a huge and dynamic personality passes away, it leaves an impact. I'll just never watch The Blaire Witch Hunter the same way again...

It is how he died that is most gut-wrenching. While filming a documentary on the Great Barrier Reef, he drifted too close to a sting ray and suffered a fatal, toxic sting that both pierced his heart and sent venom coursing through his body. It is not the kind of death anyone should endure, and it is certainly not what anyone expected. The report of his passing was a top news story, and it shocked, saddened, and surprised people in Australia and all over the world. Steve Irwin is survived is by his wife Terry and their two children.

What's especially tragic and ironic is how he was killed by a creature he was trying to save. It is unfortunate when conservationists are killed in the field. It can cast a very negative light on the very animals they're fighting to protect and educate us about. This incident is viewd as a "freak accident" by reporters and Australia's Prime Minister. I just hope that the backlash from this isn't the opposite of what Irwin intended, and that his work will still continue to inspire future generations.

Cast A Deadly Spell

Labor Day weekend wasn't all depressing news - unless you count this:

Film studios have dusted off an old trick from the mid 90's in an atempt to clone each others' movies. Like rival alchemists of The Renaissance, trying to find the perfect formula to transmute lead into gold, studios are taking basic premises and cranking out films in an "attack of the clones" that would make even Gorge Lucas blush. Remember Volcano and Dante's Peak? How about Deep Impact and Armagedon? Well, they're at it again, this time with The Illusionist and The Prestige.

I got to see The Illusionist on Monday. It stars Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti - in his fourth or fifth (or sixth?) movie this summer! I think he's trying to beat John Goodman's record for most movie appearances ever. It also features that creepy-ass Rufus Sewell, in roughly the same role he's had in every move he's ever been in. The film is based on a short story and set in the Austrian Empire. Everyone has an accent for about the first 20 minutes of the film, then they get sick of it and just start sounding British. Rule of thumb for any actor: If you are unsure of what culutre you're playing, always use a British accent. It's worked for nearly every Greek or Roman film ever made.

I can't really discuss this movie without giving away absolutely everything (it's one of those). So, I'll just be brief and say "go see it"! Although, it will leave you with a weird feeling - not bad, just strange. Like Snakes On A Plane (one of the few movies this summer I'm pretty sure Paul Giamatti wasn't in), it delivers what it promises. I hadn't heard anything about this film, though I had seen the trailer for The Prestige with Christian Bale. After having seen The Illusionist, I can say they don't seem all that similar - which is good for us movie-goers.

It's a very intriguing and cleverly-constructed story. If nothing else, this is perhaps the hairiest movie I've ever seen. Every male character walks around with Geraldo's mustache. It looks like they glued Austin Powers' chest hair to their faces - or maybe they're all the illegitimate love children of Gene Shalot. Evidently that "Lollipop Guild" look was in vogue at the turn of the century.

The Illusionist may have pulled a hat trick this weekend, but is it the start of another trend of movie knock-offs? I know how cynnical I am, but I'm leaning towards "Yes". Granted, any of these movies could be great individually; but it's so strange to see films that seem to deal with similar themes (like stage magic) come out so close to each other. In an age where even TV movies are becoming repetitive, that may not be such a wise move. I don't like it, but I'm probably going to be comparing movies as they come out - sometimes, your brain just goes there. Either way, it's sure to spell big bucks for any studio spies who help orchestrate such projects - and more bad puns!

You know what I think? After September 11th, the month was forever cursed. Too soon to say? We'll find out. Until next time - get out, but stay safe. Be careful where you swim, Paul Giamatti may be lurking nearby. That guy's everywhere!

The September Curse

2006-09-03T14:04:00.000-07:00

Schlocktoberfest 2006

Damn, is it September already? August was a busy month, but it feels like it flew right by. Nothing interesting has happened to me in the last few weeks to post about. I kind of ran out of steam after a while. Fortunatley, it looks like I'll be able to weather "the September curse" this year.

You may recall certain events last September that crippled my family's computer use. This year has its own problems. I'm looking into getting my own PC so I won't have to time-share all of my files on three diffrent computers in various stages of usefulness. At least there's no smut-virus to worry about. Still, it would be nice if my computer wishes weren't granted by some evil genie who throws a cruel twist on everything.

There's something damned unholy about this month that lies hidden beneath the veneer of a new TV season. I'll elaborate on that later. Instead of an actual post, I'll just leave you with a few updates:

That fish is still alive.

Finally, this has been taken care of, from way back when...

Blogger keeps shutting down on me, even when I have something to say (in fact, especially then).

My grandmother was moved into an assisted-living facility after apparently "forgetting to eat". She seems to be enjoying it there. She's not hooked up to tubes or anything.

I finally heard how Greg and Chris are doing...it's not good.

I have my room back!

I've seen Snakes On A Plane. What else is there?

Also, there's a new category in the Directory: Complete Nonsequitors.

Enjoy this long weekend, even though it feels like we've just jump-started into Fall! Damn September...

Happy Birthday

2006-08-20T17:41:00.000-07:00

Today is the first anniversary of Steal My Blog. It's also pretty close to the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. 100 plus posts and I'm still going. In a year, I've been around the world and experienced several milestones. To top it all off, today I saw the biggest film of the year - nay, of all time - Snakes On A Plane! It's everything it said it was and more. I say it's certainly worthy of reminiscence on this 1st birthday.

Their tendency to bite peoples' naughty bits aside, these are the most beautiful snakes I've ever seen. These aren't pale, gray, creepy-crawly snakes that are just around to be scary. The snakes in this film are absolutely gorgeous. Sure, it will paralyze your heart in under 30 seconds with its toxic fangs, but a shimmering orange cobra is quite a sight. I thought you had to smoke a few joints before you saw something like that.

The Monocled Cobra

"Cheerio, luv."

I never expected this film to live up to all the hype, but it actually surpassed it. It has what no other movie has to date: a kickboxer who explodes a snake's head with a single punch! You may or may not consider that a plot spoiler, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't make it any less awesome to watch. I think if more flights had kickboxers on board, there'd be fewer terrorist plots.

It's been a hell of a year. Until most recently, there were plenty of people to share my wacky stories with. Unfortunately, not everyone could be here. I would like to take some time now to remember those commenters who are no longer with us. I will never know if they are still reading and haven't commented in a while, or have been lost to the agres. Still, they will live on.

Jose - I'm not even sure how often he comments on my brother's blog, but he was one of the first to check mine out. Alas, after a while he simply vanished.

'Anonymous' - Oh sweet Anonymous; were you the same person, or many faceless friends who'd drop in from time to time? I may never know. My blog is a little less anonymous without you.

Bunny - I've seen you less in person lately, which is why it's always so nice to see your comments - which sometimes consitute an entire post themselves.

Chris - Ya never write, ya bum!

mia_mcd - We hardly knew ye. She stuck around for a few spirited posts, until I make a crack about Margaret Cho. I never heard form her again...

Old Dave - I haven't heard from him since that first China post, but he and the others from my study tour gave me high praise for my blog. We must keep in touch.

Many have come and gone. I won't lie; I've had some damn weird-ass sociopaths drop in from time to time as well. It takes all types, I guess. What can you say? Snakes On A Plane.

Thanks for the memoires. I'll have more for you soon.

"They're coming to get you, Barbara..."

2006-08-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

Note to self: never owe money to ninjas.

Ladies and gentlemen, for your enjoyment, I will now perform the miracle of drawing blood from a stone. I'm making money again, so no worries there. I've got a college degree and I'm on the market for anyone looking to fill the enormous void left by teen workers on their yearly migration to college. You can really notice the difference this time of year. The bank was completely deserted today.

That might explain why I haven't gotten any damn money! Now that the afterglow is a little dimmer, let me level with you. Those trips were great this sumer, but they weren't cheap. To help me and my family deal with this, I applied for two scholarships - both of which I got. However, in true Twilight Zone-ish fashion, I didn't realize I wouldn't get them until after the $3200.00 was paid. The point of this? You tell me.

Chalk it up to wishful thinking. I thought (for whatever reason) that since I applied for the scholarships early enough, the money would be there when I needed it to pay for the China trip. Here it is mid-August and I'm still waiting for my $1000.00 check - which can't be used for China, obviously. After all the trouble I went through to make sure I would - in fact - be getting it, I found out the money wouldn't be availabe until August (roughly two weeks ago, to be precise). Now, you can ride a bike from the school to my house in the same day; so can anyone tell me why the hell it's taking so damned long to get here?

I spent a few dollars (actual physical dollars I held in my hand) on things for my trip - mostly the passport. Yet somehow, I returned home to an empty bank account. Not fun. Despite the AKKA people telling me they tried to make monthly withdrawals and bounced, I somehow owe the bank money. Besides them, nobody has direct access to my account like that; so where is the money going? Was my identity stolen - cause I got to tell you, of all possible choices, why the hell would anyone want my identity?

I wasn't worried, because I knew there was money coming my way. Now that is hasn't shown up, I'm starting to...freak out! Where the hell is my money, you god-damned goat-sucking bastards!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MEEEE!!!??? MOMMMMYYYYY!!!!

Ah, that was cathartic. The other black belts are going to have to break my legs. I hope it won't hurt our friendship. Just when I finally got my room the way I want it, too. C'est la vie - or "c'est la morte" I guess.

When that check comes in, it will solve the bank issue. That's actually not a big deal. What I'm concerned with is the other debtors. I owe Glenn a small amount for gifts purchased in Bermuda, and I owe the dojo for the last month. Still, the phone rings off the hook every day with more soul-eating telemarketers as the mail keeps delivering notes from the bank saying I'm "pre-approved for a new platinum card". Damn it all, in China I was rich!

Yup, He's Dead

2006-08-17T09:14:00.000-07:00

Nobody's dead yet. I don't want to jinx anything, but our fish tank (that once was teeming with guppies) is down to its last survivor. Ever since my father brought them - tank and all - from a friend's home, their numbers have increaed and then declined like some horrible mad science experiment. One day there'll be thrity of them, the next there'll be sixty. Then, there'll be four. If I didn't know any beter, I'd swear they were humping themselves to death!

Oddly enough, there was a story in the local paper about a koi farmer whose fish have been dying in increasing numbers. It is suspected that they have been poisoned. Poisoned by who, a rival fish farmer perhaps? That market can get pretty hairy. Our guppies may not be as exotic as giant koi, but they are colorful and have elegant designs on their fan-like tails. After periodic genocides of these lemming-like fish, we're down to our last one.

There's a sad countdown now; we're all pretty much waiting around to see when it will die. I feel bad about it - intrigued, but bad. On the bright side s/he isn't alone in there. Miraculously, our three catfish (purchased to herd the guppies together and keep the tank clean) have survived the mass extinction that recently left our tank a tepid pool of dead fish. They're much funnier anyway. Fish can be kind of cute - but fish with mustaches? Adorable!

See?

It's always hard to judge the health of our pets; since my dad frequently believes everything is dead. He would always walk into John's room, see Speedy and say "your turtle's dead!" - to which the curious turtle would stretch out his neck to see what all the commotion was about.

"Look, he's trying to bite me!"

Snapping turtles don't try to bite anything. Either they bite you, or they don't. It's surprising how much energy they have when they're pissed.

With either of my grandmothers. Everything was always dead. While we were in Bermuda, Olly concluded we "must" have had our dog put to sleep - logically. She said she hadn't seen or heard it in so long. Not in sight = dead. That's how babies reason. So you don't think we never put the dog out or anything, remember my grandmother can't really see... or hear... anything.

Now, all eyes and ears are on the fish tank, to see how our last survivng (and did I mention unwanted?) fish will spend his last few moments on Earth. Will he reproduce asexually at the last minute, like some kind of amoeba? Will it fake death in order to trick us into flushing it down the toilet like in Finding Nemo? Perhaps he'll go mad with loneliness and jump into the filter. Or maybe, just maybe... he'll take us with him! Who knows?

Whatever happens, it won't change the fact - that my mother didn't want those damn fish to begin with!

Yes, We're Open!

2006-08-11T11:56:00.000-07:00

Betcha won't read this...

Now that I've memorialized some of the highlights of my final, greatest summer vacation ever, it's back to business as usual. I don't say that in a dejected way either. I had certain things I was working on - like getting a career-type job now that I'm graduating. By that I mean, my diploma is going to be mailed to my house next month. There's a ceremony in January.

John and Michele are moving into their new town house and taking all the computers I've been timesharing on with them. So, that kinda bites for me. There's one more snafu to add to my list of weirdness since returning from Bermuda. A lot of things can change when you've been outside the country for a month. For one thing, I won't be travelling anywhere else in the near future - thanks to those whacky terrorists. Please forgive my child-like simplicity; but if other countries hate us so much, why don't they just go away? They don't need to boycott or bomb us, they don't need to paint swastikas on our playgrounds. Thery can just go away.

One month from today is September 11th. I remember preparing a few thoughts for it last year. It was only my first year of college when the World Trade Center was destroyed. Now my little brother is entering turbulent college life in the world created in the wake of that attack. I don't know what that's going to be like.

See, even the school changed while I was gone. For one thing, they shut down most of it for the precious two or three weeks before classes begin again, which is a bite in the ass for anyone trying to do summer session work. Driving to Bridgewater to pay bills isn't much fun to begin with, but doing it on a 100 degree day deserves some kind of medal of honor. You can't trust them with the mail there. So, as I said, looks like I'll be getting my diploma in November sometime...

I have the rare position of telling Glenn what classes and professors to take - and which ones not to take. I think it's kind of cool; but it's probably driving him crazy. At the very least, I can save him from some of my mistakes and warn him about the one or two crazy professors on campus. As for evil dopplegangers, psycho-bitches and carpools full of treacherous psychopaths and emo freaks - those will be just as much a surprise to him as they were to me in my college days...you know, the "old days" back in July! The school has changed so much though: new buildings , more required courses, and apparently a requirment that all freshman have laptop computers.

The campus still looks the same on the outside though. It looks great in the spring and summer and has that "old New England" look. They were just starting to set up for fall over there. Though now September is just another month to me, I can feel that same energy in the air. It's nearly time for Halloweenakkuh again - that glorious retail fiesta where every major holiday is presented at the same time on a single store shelf. I can't wait...

In any event, I'm back. I have been running on old batteries for the last few weeks, trying to post things that happened in June or July, when I couldn't write about them. Fun to read, mind-numbing type! Also, I'm broke and I owe a ton of people money. So, yes; for the moment, we're open for business. Why dedicate an entire post to that? Well, for one thing, it gets us away from some of the touchy or poigniant things that came before - this place has been dramaville lately!

In other, less depressing news: it's tax-free weekend! I have such fond memories of last year's tax-free weekend, where I finally procured a PS2 - just in time to become obsolete this Christmas with the release of the PS3! Whatever. Bite me, Sony! I was at the store bright and early this weekend to prepare for the throngs of frenzied shoppers that never came. Come on, tax-free weekend, people!

Oh welel, I'm finally working again - and with serious hours this time! Hope to see some more e-profiles around for my 1st anniversay birthday thing - August 20th. I'll get myself another one of those cream puff things. I've never heard of Chiabata bread until about a month ago - but now it's my favorite thing ever!

If you read all of that, you have my undying gratitude. Oh, and -- WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU THE LAST TWO WEEKS!!!!!!

Wilburfest 4.0

2006-08-08T05:54:00.000-07:00

Kind of a creepy scene - looks like something out of the witch trials.

Before my very eyes, another year has passed. This time, I was unable to attend the annual party (dubbed "Wilburfest") because I was in Bermuda at the time. 2006 marks the fourth celebration, by my reckoning. The past three have all taken place down at Marconi Beach. I won't traumatize you with another sandcastle story; this is to pay tribute to a friendship that mysteriously disappeared - because it involves people so elusive they must have had lessons from Whitey Bulger. I'd love to elaborate on some of the details of these parties (I'm sure my friends wouldn't mind), but the only copy of my home movie from Marconi Beach is also missing, in the hands of Greg.

I've only given Greg passing mention before. So, in honor of the Wilbur brothers' birthdays, I am dedicating an entire post in their memory - and I wish them many more happy ones. Greg is certainly a character. We became friends in fifth grade, brought together by our mutual hatred of the inhuman blob that was our homeroom teacher. After Greg had stalked me on the playground for unknown reasons, we became good friends that - as it turned out - had a lot in common. It was through Greg that I would meet most of my other friends over the next several years.

Most of my friends are from "back in the day" - the old elementary school gang that stuck together even after college. A group of them lives together in Brighton. Greg is among the oldest of them, and we made it through some really bad times. Mostly, when things started to get really bad for him a few years ago, our crowd was basically Me, Greg, and his brother Chris. Not to be confused with the other Chris, 'Awesome Chris' Wilbur is one of those people who - after meeting - makes you mad that you haven't already known him for years.

I was told the third Marconi Beach trip was the best so far. I'm glad they had a great birthday party, since I don't know what they're going to do next year. I doubt this was their last hurrah.

I knew Greg and his youngest brother long before I even knew of Chris' existence. The first time I actually saw Chris was in high school; and he was shooting me this evil look. I thought he was going to knife me or something. Apparently, that's just what his intense stare looks like - I have that same problem. After a while we started making jokes about how he borrowed Angel's forehead.

"I am smiling."

There was a few years when I could safely say I considered Chris my best friend. I hope he felt the same way; but even if he didn't, we hung out all the time. He's pretty misunderstood by mostly everyone I know. Awesome Chris, just so you don't confuse him with tiny Ninja Chris (everybody's either Katie or Chris these days, no originality!) also had an avid interest in karate - but he didn't study. He gleaned things off of movies and video games and practiced them on me. To be honest, he wasn't half bad; he definitely had the look down.

The wilburs honestly wanted me to fight them once I got my black belt. Looks like that's not happening.

Recently, Chris met someone online and they are soon to be married. I hope she turns out like Michele and not some crazy person - or a fat guy in eyeliner! Having never met her, I have absolutely no idea. Chris himself never even told me about the wedding. Neither did Greg. I heard it from Ninja Chris, the ultimate third party. If you think I'm some kind of gossip, believe me when I tell you I have nothing on Chris!

There were a lot of rumors about the Wilburs after they vanished from the social circle. At least, that's the common version of what happened. I'd say there was equal exclusion going on in the "cool crowd". See, I got along so well with Greg all these years because we had the same outlook on groups and popularity. Despite this, Greg and Chris slowly slipped away; and that came as a very sad shock. Still, I'm glad I know what they're doing now; and I hope this time life has no crazy curveballs to throw them - though lately, it's been pelting me.

So, my two best friends are moving somewhere out west. Chris gets a house and a wife - which he thoroughly deserves. Greg is also going to live out there. If anyone deserves a family and a new life, it's him. I'm glad everything's working out for them, I just wish they didn't have to go so far away...but whatever. I'll just be the last one to leave this town. Five years after high school, my friends are all gone.

Hey, there's always the internet, right? Wrong. There's been the internet for years and I get only irregular emails. It's not like I'm hiding or anything. I understand - maybe better than some of my other friends - that both of the Brothers Wilbur have crazy schedules and even crazier family issues that are not mine to divulge. Still, too busy to send an email? How long does that take?

They will definitely be missed

I guess they get spoiled. This time, they get a post and a movie - oh yeah, and a house and wife! I never really get them gifts or anything, so this will have to do. I don't even know if I'll see either of them before they leave or not. The fates may not give me that option.

In case I don't, there's always the internet...

BLOW ME TO BERMUDA

2006-08-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

- AGAIN!!

I can't believe it's August already. That means Halloween stuff is already overstocking the shelves at Home Goods, which is fine by me! Although, I haven't been in to work since I got back from China - and that's NOT alright by me! Still, things have worked out pretty well for me. I'm not bragging or anything; I really think it's interesting and strange how this all worked out - like magic.

If you recall, I expressed my desire to escape from my mondane existence in a post titled "Blow Me To Bermuda", never dreaming that I would actually go to Bermuda of all places! That post began with my frustration over not being able to go to China. As it turns out, I wound up with both trips. All those people who wished me luck must have been wishing really hard, so thanks! I'm not overly superstitious or anything (I'm just Catholic, people make that mistake all the time - a very deadly mistake!) but I am among those few who actually found a four-leaf clover. That's got to count for something!

So you can see it does in fact have four leaves

Bouncing back isn't that easy I guess, judging by Norwegian Cruise Line. After that virus that broke out a year or two ago, everyone on the ship was required to douse themselves with disinfecting gel every few feet. There were little stations set up and everything. It was like cruising with Monk. When you got on the boat, they were waiting for you. When you got off the boat, there they were again.

Since the seas between Boston and Bermuda are rocky as all hell, I have to say I enjoyed the island just a little bit more than the ship. Here I was complaining about the Hong Kong ferry!

Hong Kong ferry, number one super guy
Hong Kong ferry, quicker than the human eye...

Sorry, had to get that out of my system. Bermuda is a fantastic place. There are old colonial villages, a modern metropolis in Hamilton, and whatever kind of beach strikes your fancy.

My favorite stop on the enitre trip was a beach called Tobacco Bay - ironically one of the only places on the island that didn't allow smoking. Since all of Bermuda is made of limestone, the ocean has eaten big chunks out of it and left behind some crazy-looking landscapes. This was the best looking beach, sprouting all kinds of nooks and crannies for humans and fish to swim in. It was too small and shallow for sharks, but perfect for exotic reef fish and different kinds of crustaceans. The water was warm here too - like all the kids in the water peed at the same time or something. Let's be fair, there were some old folks snorkeling in there too.

These spires rose out of the tide pools like some ancient colossus.

This section I dubbed "hippo lagoon", after the rockfrom. Either you see it or you don't.

Beaches are usually a nice place to burn to a crisp and run the risk of swimming into a man-o-war, but these beaches were truly exotic. Horseshoe Bay houses a number of exotic caves - and of course, the famous pink sand. It gets its color from tiny little crustaceans that shed their old shells, which get ground up and deposited on shore. I saw a few pearly-pink crab things scurrying off too, so it must have been fresh. I had a few pictures, but my camera doesn't handle close-ups too well, as seen with the four-leaf clover.

Kicking back at the beach

Whatever you believe about the Bermuda Triangle, it is a very real phenomenon. The map in the ship's lobby had our course plotted, with a highlighted section near Bermuda labeled "Area to be avoided. Use caution". That was both cool and freaky. However, the most wondrous thing was my own close encounter with the mysterious slipper lobster - a bizarre species I had previously only seen online. My entire trip was made when I snuck a few minutes of video footage at the aquarium, fliming the elusive, fin-faced creature.

Though small and humble, the aquarium/museum/zoo had a lot to offer. I saw it the same day as the famous Crystal Caves. The entire structure looked like it was made out of donut glaze and had a funky white glow. I was interested to learn that the ocean is, in fact, blue all on its own. It is not reflecting the sky. Both are naturally blue.

I'm not the only one to have their treasured beliefs shaken. One feature on the tour was a pair of "iceburgs" that were around a million years old. A lady on the tour said her friend was a born-again Christian and told her that the Earth was only 6000 years old. So, she asked how the guide could justify his claim that the rockforms were a million years old. He gave some dodgy reply, since he wasn't allowed to say "BecauseI use science and not crazy pixy magic"! Seriously, why do people argue about points that are based on actual evidence you can observe and sometimes feel for yourself? The ocean is naturally blue, I saw it with my own eyes.

I stayed in Bermuda for about as long as I did Beijing. It's just enough time to see everything while still somehow wanting to see more. If anyone ever gets the opportunity to go to Bermuda, definately take it. No matter what you want to do, even if it's absolutely nothing, you can do it. Personally, I was content to marvel at the free-range chickens that ran afoul of the island. Yes, that was a really lame pun; I hope you won't think it was a poultry thing to say! In short, take that leap when you can... don't be chicken!

Chinese Fire Drill Pt. 2

2006-07-30T13:44:00.000-07:00

Shanghai Nights
(But not the crappy Shanghai Noon sequel)

I've learned my lesson about pictures, so I'll try to make this light - but no promises. It would be a crime not to show some of my photos from Shanghai and Hong Kong - probably the craziest futuristic-looking cities on Earth. I have to say my trip has left me with a wealth of material. From here, the trip became a bit more open, and I was able to enjoy a lot more of the city in general. So, where was I?

After the nauseating train ride into Xi'an, another flight sounded great. Naturally, the thrill wore off once we all packed into the flying can of sardines that was to be our ride to Shanghai. If you've never seen Shanghai, it looks like something out of a comic book. There's even a skyscraper with a giant globe on top that looks like The Daily Planet.

The Tower of Orient Pearl - Shanghai's 'Space Needle'; I got to go inside.

Shanghai might be my favorite stop on the entire trip. Our tour guide was Anna, a Chinese woman with a British accent. I think she did a good job anyway; but two things cemeted her as a great tour guide: First, she was better than Vincent - and even spoke English. Second, she waited for me when I got lost in this crazy old-world-looking shopping village. I thought I'd better buy something for appearences, since I was late for our rendez-vous point; so I got a funky scroll with a tiger on it for Chris (the tiger is one of the animals associated with martial arts). I also enjoyed the irony of the inscribed poem about the tiger's "lofty bearing" - because Chris is a wee short person with a Napoleon complex. See, I'm thoughtful...ish.

I chocolate you too, baby.

Souvenir shopping in China requires a certain skill - that I seem to have grasped pretty well by the time I left. By the time we left Shanghai, and I was very sad, one of my favorite places was the little tea shop inside our hotel. It was run by a perky little hostess-in-training named Nina Lin. She spoke pretty good English and was very curious agbout America. Everyday, she would try to stop my tour group as we passed her shop; and I wound up buying a lot of tea for Michele in there. Sadly, like Bigfoot, all I have of her is a single blurry photo.

Nina's tea shop

Our fourth stop was Guangzhou, capitol of Canton (which is a province, not a city. I did not know that). I knew the least about this city, so I had no idea what to expect; but what I found was both quaint and increasingly modern. My favorite part of the city was Sha Mien Island (Shia Men?), the former French Concession. It looked like something out of Georgia or New Orleans. It was a prime wedding spot, with bridal shops and groups of newlyweds getting their photos taken in every available space. There was also an old train that was turned into a cafe.

By now, Crazychick had scared off everyone else in the group, including our 'surprise visitor' professor - who mysteriously vanished once we left for Hong Kong. For some reason, evertyhing about Hong Kong reminds me of Jurassic Park. It's a very modern city but it is in perfect harmony with the lush cloud forests and jungly terrain. I guess that feng shui crap actually works. There were skyscrapers, but you could always see the sky, the sea, and the mountains. Hong Kong is NOT the cluttered rat-hole the movies always make it look like. At night, it comes alive with a display of light you have to see to believe.

The crown jewel of Hong Kong is Victoria Peak, a jungle mountain that dwarfs even the tallest building in the city's center. We reached the top by way of a crazy and daring double-decker bus driver. Steep mountain roads were not designed for double-decker tour busses. After surving Mr. Toad's wild ride, I had a birds' eye view of the entire city. As spectacular as that was, I wish I'd had a chance to take some pictures of the amazing forested road we took to the top. Seriously, this place was Jurassic Park - we even passed a spot that looked like the place where that fat guy got attacked by the Spitter.

On our last night, we took the choppiest ferry ride I've ever experienced across the harbor. Out of sheer mercy, the professor got the girls tickets to Phantom of the Opera - which I'm pretty sure was still sung in English, but whatever. We all had a desire for Western food, so we went to the Hong Kong Hard Rock Cafe. This was the real bonding experience of the trip. Too bad it came at the end! After a long and tedious flight home (which was delayed by three hours - but I'll save that little jewel for another time), it was home to muggy-as-hell Boston and the tropical storm that slammed us a few days later.

Soon after, I was off to the Caribbean...

I have to say, there was much less voodoo in China than I expected.

Chinese Fire Drill!

2006-07-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

After Beijing, the trip became a whirlwind tour. Our next stop was Xi'an, China's first capitol in ancient times. I spent July fourth studying the First Emperor instead of the Founding Fathers. Instead of dentures made from hippo teethe and whimsical stories about cherry trees, we discussed how he ordered a life-like replica of his enitre army made from clay - then had all of the workers assassinated and buried with his platoon of killer lawn gnomes. If that's not looney enough for you, he later died from mercury pills that were devised by court alchemists to prolong his life. Can you say "irony"?

The most famous site in Xi'an is the giant pit of the Terra Cotta Warriors. As awesome as they must have been when they were created, I just enjoyed how they now look like an army of the undead. Most are missing their heads, and some are popping out of the ground with their arms outstreched like vampires. I was off taking pictures of everything, so I missed Psycho-bitch's rant about "the energy of the earth" weighing down on the place or some crap like that. Oddly enough, when we took our group picture, she was nowhere to be found.

We arrived in Xi'an by train. When we entered the station, there was a cool old-timey train that looked like something out of Agatha Christy.

"Cool!" I thought. "We're taking the Orient Express"! Imagine my let-down when we boarded the coffin-like bullet train beside it. I swear my bed was right over the wheels; and we could all feel every bump.

By this point, I was sick as a dog and collapsed into a coma-like sleep that lasted into the next morning - when we still hadn't reached Xi'an! By the end of this excruciatingly long train ride, me and my bunk-mates had started to go mad. We began laughing at inane jokes about pandas. I don't even remember what the hell they were. You know when you stay up until 1 am and everything is suddenly hillarious? It was like that.

Our tour guide in Xi'an had a hard act to follow after Michael - and frankly, he didn't even try. He answered to "Vincent"; and as far as I could tell, his favorite word is 'auspicious' - he used it in every sentence. As sub-par as he was, he managed to make us all feel guilty when Dr. To phoned in a simple question to Vincent's superiors, who then took it as a complaint and threatened to have Vincent fired. They don't mess around over there! He started to open up on the last day; but it was too late by then. He bonded with some of the group during the horseback trip up a mountain (which I refused). Even then, we only gave half as much as our last tour guide.

There was less to see from here on in; and some of the nicest places were the hotels we went to. That place in Beijing was a real dive; but Xi'an offered a four- star hotel and a lobby that didn't smell like cigars and ass! One unexpected highlight was the hot springs, which even had its own Western cliche of a romance story. The entire place was built for one of the emperor's favorite concubines. I really got into the atmosphere, as you can see.

"It's my happenin', Baby; and it freaks me out!"
Click to enlarge

In addition to the awe-inspiring beauty of the place, there were a few other attractions as well. On a shady patch of grass, a kindly woman with a flock of big, fat doves was waiting for tourists who wanted to feed them or take pictures. I wanted nothing to do with that, because of bird flu and the fact that she looked completely bat-shit crazy to me. The only young girl in our group was more enthusiastic. She let the birds perch on her and posed for a number of pictures - before she remembered the whole bird flu thing.

We scrubbed ourselves with handy-wipes and asked some of the others in our group about the risks. One of them, Jeff, told us there really was no risk at all. Along comes Psycho-bitch, who throws a hissy fit about touching birds. We tried to reassure her, saying "Jeff said it's okay". She just snapped "And does Jeff study China!?" and strolled off.

I couldn't help but mimic her, sneering "Does Jeff study China? Bitch". We all laughed and Psycho-hag turned around. I think she heard me. Whatever.

On the last day, our tour guide got us lost in the Chinese countryside. Our driver, Mr. Wang (another good one!) had to "negotiate" our way out with some local yokels who charged money for directions. Apart from being a scary driver who could give Mr. Tang a run for his money, Wang had spent years in the military and supposedly had "connections". Don't screw with the communist party! After a visit to the grave of the Tang Princess (which I deeply regret not having a photo of), it was off to the airport for our flight to Shanghai.

To Be Continued...

**My apologies, I thought for some reason I had posted this already. Of course I hadn't - I even said so in my last post. Oh well, more coming soon.

Steal My Directory

2006-07-22T10:40:00.000-07:00

Personal Favorites/ Best (some of these appear below)

A Disney Halloween – Donald Duck Is Pure Evil!

Ain’t No Harlem Batgirl

The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl

The Anti-Chris

“Your Blog Is Appalling” – A Commentary by Simon Cowel

Thanks for Sharing

Chicken Soup for the Lost Soul

Don't Bring Me Down, Bruce

Who's Viktor Krum?

Family and Home; On the stability of both

SPOON! – And Other Inappropriate Battle Cries

It’s Only Forever, Not Long At All

Make A Wish

Holy Crap, It’s February!

Have a Rotten Day

The Enchanted Tiki Room

Who’ll Stop the Rain?

An ODD Pet

Friends – in a very loose definition

Tell Your Friends – Tell Two!

Lost Fortress of Marconi Beach

Henhouse of Dracula

Dungeons and Drag Queens

Itz, Itz, Ballroom Blitz!

Wilburfest 4.0

The Policy of Truth

Me -- And My Crappy Car!

Out of the Stone Age

I Think I’m Starting to Like Cats

Party Like It’s Yo Birfday

We Hardly Knew Ye

YEEUUUUUCCHHH!

“April Is the Cruelest Month”

Am I Smart Or Just Crazy? (Idiots pt. 1)

Idiots, Part Duuuhhh

You May Already Be A Winner

Odes to My Favorite Shirt

Colder Than A Witch's Nipples...My car cheats death yet again!

Happy Birthday to Me (and subsequent post The 'OUCH' in Couch )

The Madness To My Method

Drawing and Projects

How to Beat Cabin Fever

Karate

Kicking and Screaming

Drunken Masters and Oscar Disasters

Last Stop

Back in Black

100^th Blogstravaganza

School – I guess not much happens there

The Anti-Chris

The Magical World of Realism

Fearful Symmetry (don't read this, though - it's crap!)

Oddly Godly

Holier Smoligans

That Dude Is A Chick

Hey, Hey, Hey; It’s FAAAAT Tuesday!

See What Happens When You Don’t Have Sex?

Failure to Lunch

Taking Back Sunday

LENT - the musical!

The Unbearable Madness of Being - don't read this if you're an uptight midget.

Travel

What’s Black and White and Red All Over?

Blow Me To Bermuda!

Mysteries Unsolved

And THIS Is Where I’m Going!?

Eat Squid and Swear In Chinese!

Endless Summer

Family Bankruptcy ROCK!

Chinese Fire Drill!

Chinese Fire drill Pt. 2 - Shanghai Nights

BLOW ME TO BERMUDA - AGAIN!!

Writing – Posts about writing posts; how perverse!

I Can Scarcely Contain My Glee

Mistakes Were Made

I’m A Little Confused

Happy September, Everybody!

Bored Now!

Now THIS Is A Snowstorm!

I Stole Your Blog

The September Curse

You Underestimate the power of the Dark Side!

Beware the Ides of March!

HOLIDAY:

It’s Beginning to Look A Lot like Christmas…

Halloween

Here, you can largely use the archives for the month of October, in any given year.

Epilogue

September 2006

October 2006

Thanksgiving (NEW! - and about time)

Season's Eatings

Christmas

It’s A Christmas Blog – SAY IT!

There’s Something Stuck Up In the Chimney…

Rich and Strange

Where DO We Get Those Wonderful Toys?

I’m Mr. Green Christmas, I’m Mr. Sun

2006

"Holy Crap! I slept through December!"

New Year’s Eve

See You In Hell, 2005!

Dan Brown Did It First, You Bastards!

New Year’s Evil Indeed!

St. Patrick’s Day

Erin Go Barf

Enter: The Leprechaun

Easter

Holy Thursday, Batman (and link to original Easter post)

Earth Day

Soot-In-Mouth Disease

Movies and Entertainment

Holy Smoligans! Eat Some Dungeness Crab

Burn the Land and Boil the Sea

Don’t Bring Me Down, Bruce

Who’s Viktor Krum?

Let’s Play!

That’s It! You’re All Idiots! – Yet Another Commentary By Simon Cowel

Satan Reviews The Da Vinci Code

Sinestro Is My Homeboy

Ladies In the Water and Snakes On A plane

Dude, That Is So GAY!

Curse Be Damned!

Is TV Trying to Kill Us? pt 1

Confirmed: TV Wants Us Dead pt 2

"Thank Namine"

Complete Nonsequitors

Now, A Word From Our Sponsor

Yes, We're Open

Yup, He's Dead

"They're Coming To Get You, Barbara..."

Happy Birthday

Total Eclipse Of My Brain

The Bagel Effect

Zombies of the Deep

100th Blogstravaganza

2006-07-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

Live, from Dracula’s Castle (under new management), it’s our

100th BLOG-VERSARY!*

With musical Guests: The Black Eyed Peas…

Taylor Hicks…

Gwen Stefani…

and Faith Hill!...

Featuring:

This guy

These Guys

Kiera Knightly…Or is it Natalie Portman?

And Sylvester Stalone’s One-Man Show

Also, moments like this…

This…

And this!

All this aaaannnddd…

YOUR BRAND NEW CAR!

*Sponsored by The Brain Museum.

Holy smoligans! It’s my 100^th blog! For many, that may be just a bump in the road – one that you’ve all probably passed long ago. I ask, where’s your Halloweenukkah spirit? I say seize the moment; for this time can only pass once, unless the universe laps itself again. Damned History Channel…

It’s only forever, not long at all. So, let’s party like it’s yo birfday! I feel that this moment has been a long time coming; and I hope you’re all looking forward to it, True Believers. If not, we’ll fix that quickly. After all, the point isn’t the destination, it’s the journey; and my, what along strange trip it’s been! So, are we going to spoon or what?

What untold jewel can I possibly present to mark this auspicious occasion? Why, the one and perhaps only tale I have not yet told – for it is too extreme, yet so elegantly inventive that it cannot go without recognition. Ladies, if you feel an urge to swoon, please step outside. This attraction is not for the squeamish. Keep small children close and watch your hands! What’s black and white and red all over? It must be the lost post…

Black Belt Test – The Untold Story

The day is Saturday, April 8, 2006. I had been preparing for this day for a long, long time; and it had finally arrived. The climax of four plus years of training would cap off today when I earned my black belt in the art of kempo karate. Of course, there was little indication of that at the time. I woke up about five minutes before I was supposed to be at work (8 am) and fled through the rainy, flooded roads to my claustrophobic broom-closet workstation. This was going to be one of those days.

Naturally, in my rush, I wasn’t able to perform certain morning rituals – what my father often refers to as the three S’s. Let me put it this way, I had “shower” and “shave” covered! So, about half way into counting the bags, I realized I really had to go. This could not wait. So, I stacked everything in the safe and rushed like a Wildman into the bathroom.

My concern was that the damned phone would ring while I was in there because there was nobody in the store but me and my manager. Some imbecile always calls the store at the butt-crack of dawn to find out when we open (9:30 am, everyday except Sunday – hardly a secret!) and today I could not afford to be held up by little things like unexpected bathroom visits. The good news is I had the men’s room all to myself. You would not have wanted to be in the same bathroom, let me tell you!

GROSS-OUT WARNING!!

I don’t know what I ate, but I don’t think it liked me very much. The fact that I was afraid my boss would page me at the exact moment I was incapable of rushing to the phone didn’t help matters either. Since today was a big day, I was wearing one of my favorite shirts (the one from the drawing), which had a handy little pocket to keep the office keys in. When it came time to wrap up my...er, “business” there, I stood up and bent over to flush the toilet. That’s when I heard it – the sickening plop.

Yup, you know where this is going. My cash office keys – vital for store operations – had plummeted into the abyss of last night’s dinner. If you’ve ever used a public toilet, you know the peculiar shape of them. For some reason, they don’t come in standard household toilet sizes; they’re always long, narrow, and deep. I don’t know why we can’t all use the same size; it would save a lot of trouble.

So, here I was: faced with a huge problem. I needed my keys, but no force in heaven or hell was going to convince me to stick my hand into a festering pool of my own feces. Fortunately, I’m much cleverer than that. In the hallway outside, we kept some old junk for hanging signs and banners. I silently crept back out to the hallway (I could put my pants on because I had wiped by now) and grabbed a piece of plastic frame from the countertop. Using this crude device, I intended to haul my key-ring out of its cesspool.

There was just one problem – I couldn’t see the keys. This was one insidious case of morning diarrhea! I had to stir around until I hit something. However, the drains on these toilets are very strange. I bumped the keys a few times, but that somehow pushed them further down the hole, into memory. Things were getting worse! Finally, I was able to catch the metal key-ring and haul the keys to safety – and by safety I mean a scalding bathroom sink where I painstakingly sterilized absolutely everything I touched so no one would ever know of this foul incident.

Now, whenever I go to work and see my keys, I think of this story. Now, whenever you pick up a set of keys, you can think of it too! You’re welcome. Anyway, you know the rest of the story: I aced my test and now I’m a crazy ninja with da mad skillz. As an extra test of my cleverness, I think this story (disgusting as it is) serves as a decent example. Be honest now, what would you have done in this situation?

And there you have it, my hundredth post! Be a pro and drop some comments. Join our celebrity guests and well-wishers:

Simon says:

"Touch your toes. Sorry, I couldn’t resist! Honestly, I think that’s the most appalling thing I’ve ever read. I absolutely hated it.

That being said, I think you’ll go far in this business."

Satan says:

"See, diarrhea! What did I tell you! Gotcha again!! BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Da Homie Goblin says:
"Dag yo! This blog is tight! See you next fall, G."

Ra’s al Ghul says:

"Imprrrressive! I applaud your work, Detective – you just can’t tell because it’s a photograph."

Rutger Hauer says:

"I farted; and I’m still proud of it!"

“Oh, great! One of us is going to have to change…”

Thanks for reading. I hope to see you in the future - especially after this post!

For everyone who helped my blog kick ass - and chest and face!

About Damn Time!

2006-07-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

That may be what you're thinking if you saw that I finally uploaded the pictures from Beijing for my previous post. That's not why I'm so relieved, though. I'm glad to be here, right now. Summer is pretty much everyone's favorite season; and right now it's in mid-swing. I have to admit that I missed the cheesy town fireworks display this year.

When I got home, after doing my fair share of flag-waving in Xi'an, I was treated to an article in the local paper where the reporter had clearly interviewed my family in order to get names for the photos that were taken of them at the beach. Naturally, our names were spelled wrong. I don't know how people miss things like that - knocking a whole syllable off our last name! Do people think we're just making weird noises when we spell our names? They're all letters that can be found in the alphabet for Christ's sake. It's not like spelling Kowaltzky, or however the hell you spell that!

It's nice to be home again for summertime. I haven't had time to just sit down and absorb July. It rained almost non-stop since April; and it looked like summer was never going to officially arrive. On top of that, I was headed out for most of this month. It looked like I wouldn't get to see the viny trees or the various flowering things that have looked dead for most of the year. I don't know why, but I always had this morbid dread of the end of summer. This year, it looks like I won't have to worry; since I'm not going anywhere in September.

As I've said before, I'm a plant person. Not literally; that would be weird. What I mean is, I like having green things around. In the "courtyard" of the Forbidden City, the tour guide explained how the emperor - in extreme arrogance - said there should be no vegetation. After several centuries, grass and roots had forced their way into the city, as if to say "F#@K YOU"! Maybe that crap Psycho-lady was ranting about "the energy of the earth" is true. It reminded me of that Miyazaki movie Castle In the Sky.

I guess everybody is proud of their lawn, or they're supposed to be. Imagine coming home after a two-week absense to find that nobody has moved your car. The grass that lay under my front bumper had withered and died from lack of sunlight. We got new windows put in this weekend, but the workers left a mother of a mess - which translates to "I don't care". On top of that, there's now a giant square of death in the middle of our front lawn. Apparently the sun beamed through the old windows that had been tossed onto the grass, burning a bright-yellow manhole into our lawn. Classy.

It's just nice to come home to see that absolutely everything imaginable has exploded into bloom. It's what I had previously referred to as a natural fireworks display. Can you believe I didn't see any fireworks in China - the place that freaking invented them! That's like going to Italy and not eating lasagna. Anyway, it was a nice homecoming to be suddenly flanked by rows of those purple things that grow around our porch (whatever they're called, our yard is full of them).

About this time of year, the sparrows flock towards them and snip off the blooms and take them back to their nests to make little birdie afrodesiacs or something. It's really funny to watch. I'm glad I didn't miss this. To me, this is home. I don't know if anyone can relate, but I've waited practically forever for this, and I want to be able to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

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Yes; I know I said I'd post two China entries. I lied. I need a little down time to prepare for my 100th blog - it's right around the corner! On top of that, I'm giving Blogger a rest, since the last few posts (and the next several) are going to be long and image-intensive. Heads-up.

Family Bankruptcy ROCK!!

2006-07-13T11:40:00.000-07:00

It feels like forever, but I’ve only been gone for two weeks, exploring the mysteries of

China

. The biggest mystery is why every place I went to was closed. My joke for the trip was “

China

is closed for repairs”. With the Olympics coming to Beijing in 2008, nearly every major tourist site was getting a facelift. That means each place we visited was only 70-80% open to the public. That was kind of a let-down, but it didn’t hinder our trip that much.

Back when this all started, I never thought I’d have the opportunity to go to China. It was such an outlandish amount of money – between tuition, payments to the travel agency, and the cost of dining while over there. Even with two scholarships (and what a pain in the ass those were!), my family still had to shell out a large amount of money so I could live this collective dream. I can tell you it was time and money well spent. From my first day there, China was shown not to be the big scary place we tend to see it as in the West – nor do they hate us or our capitalist society as much as our TV and movies portray.

On our first full day, my tour group met our guide Michael. He was young and ambitious, and seemed to have a commission waiting for him in every tourist stop we went to. Every day there was a new place not on our itinerary: day one, Beijing silk factory; day two, pearl factory; day three, jade factory. We stopped just before seeing the local opium den. Oh well, there’s always next time! Trust me; capitalism is not a foreign concept over there.

Our driver was Mr. Tang – yes, Mr. Tang. He didn’t speak a word of English, but his attitude indicated he liked us, and we all got a chuckle out of his name. All I can say is the man must spend hours playing Mario Cart in order to handle the crazy Chinese traffic laws as well as he did. I laughed my ass off when Michael told us Mr. Tang was the best driver in China – because number one got in a car accident. Apparently, he wasn’t joking. Chinese people can’t drive. That’s not a racist comment or a stereotype. It’s the God’s honest truth.

Beijing is a fascinating city. It is equal parts modern franchise-magnet, communist haven, and third world crap-hole. Where else in the world can you find a modern skyscraper right next to a three thousand year old guard tower poking up out of the skyline? Construction is the word of the day in Beijing. The city is constantly growing.

I was pleased to find that religion was not outlawed in China. In fact, there was a magnificent cathedral right down the street from our hotel (which incidentally was undergoing construction). I went to see it with one of the cool older members of our tour group, David. Overall, the group was lively and worked well together. As I would soon learn, not everyone was gung ho about seeing China.

Even before we left, our group had a chance to meet – during the China town visit mentioned previously. There, I had my first encounter with The Beast. I’m not sure what I can get away with on the internet, so let’s just call her “Psycho-bitch”. She is perhaps the only force bent on destroying our trip. Like some unholy succubus, she drained the life out of our journey and found fault with nearly everything.

At first, I thought only I had done something, and she had some kind of issue with me. Hey, it’s happened before. As it turns out, I wasn’t alone. By the night of day three, it was brought to my attention that absolutely everyone hated her. That was comforting, for what it was worth.

The Forbidden City - FORBIDDEN I say!

Day two took us to Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City. The square was nice, except for the swarms of peddlers who clamber towards you like zombie extras in Resident Evil. What little Mandarin we learned before we got there was useful, especially bu yao - “don’t want it”. I got a lot of use out of that one! Whatever you think you know about the Forbidden City, it is something you definitely have to see for yourself. Even the pictures I took with my spankin’ new camera don’t do it justice.

They have the honored distinction of housing one of Beijing’s coveted Four-Star Toilets!

The highlight of the Forbidden City, for me, was the Imperial Gardens. We didn’t see the entire garden; but what I did see left a lasting impression. Looming over us was a mini-mountain of stone that looked like an excavated coral reef, and for all I know it was. There was a mysterious tower at the top that I don’t think you could actually get to. That would be a growing trend for this trip.

Posing in front of the tower

Beijing Style

Our next stop was a surprise visit to the state-owned Silk Factory shop, where we were met with an impromptu fashion show. Apparently models all over the world have the same soulless expression. Still, I remember seeing the face of the first girl drop when she saw there were only about ten people in the room. After that, they just stopped trying. I’m not sure who was more embarrassed.

After Michael grabbed his commission, we went to scenic Beihei Park, the Buddhist equivalent to La Salete Shrine in Attleboro. Due to the impending thunderstorms, we were only there for about half an hour, but that was enough to enjoy the beauty of the lakeside parkway. We climbed a path lined with more spongy scholars’ rocks and took shelter under an ornate gazebo. From here, we could see part of the ornate temple at the top of the hill, since we couldn’t actually go there (construction again). It was a nice place and I would have liked to have spent more time there – but since it was mostly me and She-bitch, I guess leaving early was a blessing in disguise.

The Chinese decorate things we normally wouldn't think of - like cieling eaves. This decorated bow from the gazebo above sports some kind of mythic anteater.

New Summer Palace:

Family Bankruptcy Rock

Days three and four were perhaps my favorite visits, though they were also the most depressing. In the Summer Palace, there was another ancient garden. Featured prominently was a huge stone excavated from a river bed. It was called “Family Bankruptcy Rock” – or “The Stone of the Wastrel”. Craggy rocks like this were highly prized by Chinese scholars, monks, and other thinkers; and this one was clearly worth a fortune in its time. Nothing like a slap in the face from reality: first, I bought a silk table runner featuring a poem about homesickness, now I see a giant monument to family bankruptcy!

The plaque for Family Bankruptcy Rock

Old Summer Palace:

As awe-inspiring as the Summer Palace is, it is only half as grand as the Old Summer Palace must have been in its time. Like Greek ruins, the stone pillars of a huge European-style villa are all that remains of this ancient royal residence. It was built by foreigners as a gift to the Qing emperors; but it was later destroyed by the same foreign powers during the Opium Wars. It was a cool place, but very sad. Luckily, there was a cool garden labyrinth left standing. It was a good place to get lost in thought…or you know, just lost in general.

Lost in the maze!

The Great Wall at Badaling:

On our way to the Great Wall, we passed the second-most depressing thing I’ve ever seen: the ruins of a theme park that halted construction half-way through. The brightly-colored and carefully laid-out castle walls were to be the main entrance to Fairy World; but are now just a smiling reminder of – you guessed it, bankruptcy! See where I’m going with this? The Great Wall is full of other attractions to keep people coming back. Once you climb the wall, you may think “Well, that was fun. Now what the hell am I supposed to do”? Well, you could go on a safari, or visit the Bear Gardens below – the only two spots in China where you’re able to see any kind of wildlife at all.

The Great Wall 'Bear Gardens'

I think in China there are more statues of animals than there are actual living creatures. A constant mythical figure is the guardian Qiling (‘Chee-ling’). The only elephants I saw were made of stone and lined the walkway to the Ming Tombs. Inside, you can find a giant turtle’s ass as he struggles to balance a huge stone stele containing the names of Ming emperors. I think Ming the Merciless was on there somewhere.

To Wangfujing, Thanks For Everything - Julie Newmar

By the time we had to leave Beijing, I had bought most of the souvenirs I was planning to get. We spent five yuan each for a tram ride down the long pathway of the Ming Tombs; but when we stopped to look at the stone animals, the driver got pissed and left without us. Naturally, I didn’t think I’d be thrilled by the idea of going to a shopping district on my last day. I was greatly mistaken. Wangfujing was probably the most fun out of any place we went to in Beijing. There were displays for hopeful Olympics statues, some crazy-looking office buildings, and what I could only describe as ‘China Town in China’.

Wangfujing Shopping District

This blue hottness is China's spokesperson for Nestle icecream

There, I was able to get a wooden mask I had been looking everywhere for – at even more than half price! The girls who were selling wares along this creepy, junk-filled alleyway were very funny and took some of the edge off of the imposing market street. The walls were lined with endless shelves of the same little trinkets every three feet, all sold at different competing prices by whiny local merchants. When I told one young lady I was done shopping she gave me the cutest pout and asked “Whhhyyyy”? That was a better sales pitch than the angry homeless guys that chased us around Tiananmen Square.

Kung Food

Kung fu statue entry for the Beijing Olypmics

A few Peking Ducks and one fish head later, it was time to say farewell to Beijing. To my delight, martial arts really are everywhere in China. After four nights away from home, I was starting to miss the dojo. One of our free nights, we had the option of seeing the Beijing Opera or a kung fu show put on by the Shaolin Monks. Guess which one I went to.

Yeah, like I’m gonna go to an opera! Right. Hmmm, crazy martial arts show, or guys in drag? Tough choice! At the end of the show, there was an opportunity to take a picture with the monks, which I was going to do. After seeing some of the degrading pictures some of the other tourists took, I decided not to demean the monks (who could tear out your spine, even the little kid versions!). The whole time, I’m sure they were thinking “leave your body…leave your body”.

I'd love to show you more; but I don't want Blogger to explode. There’s more to digest, but I’ll save some of my stories for later. Thank God that Blogger is free! I won’t be dining out every night like I was in China after a trip like that. That being said, I’m looking forward to my cruise next week. If things turn ugly, I’ll just lay low in Bermuda! See you next time.