Total Eclipse Of My Brain

Schlocktoberfest 2006

Ever zone out while listening to music? It usually happens when something comes on that you’re not too interested in listening to but you don’t feel like surfing through the stations – like today, when Total Eclipse of the Heart came on the radio as I was driving. That’s not as hazardous as I’m making it sound! I don’t care much about the song one way or the other; but I’d just come back from looking at Halloween stuff, so my mind completely went off into its own thing. Why mention something so random? Because, it is seems now like the official start of Halloweenakkuh, the “eh, whatever” phase of the retail business!

In a marriage that only Tim Burton could conceive of, Halloween and Christmas merchandise appears side-by-side, merging into their own freakish holiday chimera. They’re even starting to make Halloween decorations in Christmas style now. I’ve been unloading freight for the last few months to earn some extra money. That’s where I came across some black jingle-bell door chimes in the shape of giant spiders, complete with orange ribbon. I geek out over stuff like that: everything from candles shaped like mummy hands to the nutcracker witches we sell at Home Goods.

I’m not even weird and Gothic. I don’t paint my toenails black and wear gauze or anything. This is just my time of year. Soon, my three favorite holidays will come one after the other – leaving months and months of empty nothingness behind them…

Anyway, my Muppet-inspired daydream may have given me some appreciation for this song, which I could otherwise take or leave. I was on my way home from looking at Halloween stuff. The music started, and I somehow pictured this corpsey mask I bought at Walmart last year – only he’s a Fozzy or Rolf-like Muppet (with the moving mouth and little ghoul hands playing a piano, beneath his tattered black cloak).

He sings the “Turn around” part and is soon joined by The Bride of Frankenstein – who sings a tortured love song about a man she once cared for before a mad scientist turned her into the walking dead. Cheerful. The setting is shown to be a castle chamber – possibly an abandoned lab? – with a large, moonlit window…

“Turnaround”, Every now and then I get a
little bit lonely and you're never coming around
“Turnaround”, Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
“Turnaround”, Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
“Turnaround”, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
“Turnaround bright eyes”, Every now and
then I fall apart

“Fall apart” – get it? Because she’s been sewn together by a madman! There are some good lyrics that actually conjure up images like that.

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together

“Forever”, because she’s dead and stuff. She claims they’ll “never be wrong together” because he won’t care if she is all zombie-ish. She’s soon joined by soulful singing ghosts (Kind of like that Alice Cooper bit on The Muppet Show) for the big chorus.

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

At this point, she begins sparking, since she was brought to life with electricity.

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

You can bring a really morbid and literal interpretation to that part if you want – which I do!

Anyway, let’s skip ahead a little. This is the sort of sad part, where she flashes back to her happier non-undead days:

“Turnaround”, Every now and then I know
you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
“Turnaround”, Every now and then I know
there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
“Turnaround”, Every now and then I know
there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do
“Turnaround bright eyes”, Every now and
then I fall apart
"Turnaround bright eyes", Every now and
then I fall apart

Once we get to the bridge, there’s this thumping sound for percussion, that I interpreted as the villagers storming her castle and trying to batter down the door. The Bride is just too desperate and depressed to really do anything, so she continues her pleaful singing.

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

As the angry mob bursts in, the man from her photograph swings in from the window and holds them off. Meanwhile, The Bride backs towards the window ledge, still singing. Hey, it’s her video! Those pirates never stopped Cindy Lauper from singing “Good Enough”.

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks!

She sparks again, this time shooting lightning to drive off the attackers. The two lovers swing from the window by the dude’s grappling hook, or however the hell he got in, and they land in a shady grove across the river. They slip into a moonlit clearing and meet up with the singing ghouls – who escaped somehow. The ‘quiet part’ at the end is The Bride retelling her story to the man:

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

Then, there’s another, angrier “Turn around” sequence – which I imagined is him telling her it doesn’t matter that she’s a monster. The final duet is, obviously, them. Annnnd…fade.

Morbid? Yes. Romantic? Yes. A bizarre hiccup of my brain, and minutes of your day that you can never get back? Hell yes!

Damn, I want to see this in production now! Somebody get on that. Try this yourself sometime. Get a hold of the song and picture all this stuff if you can. All of this was only 2 minutes of my day; so it’s not like I spent hours trying to imagine this or anything. This is only a flavor of things to come…but hopefully less weird. Stay tuned.